I have been with a man for 17 years who loves my three
children from a previous marriage. We live in a home I have long owned.
He finally closed a failing business that kept him in debt. I often
worked two jobs to pay the bills while the kids were growing up. He has
always given his mom one-sided views of our relationship. Now she is
trying to lure him back to a relationship with a girl he knew in his
20s. His mother also wants him to buy a house of his own, which he
thinks will help us recapture our romance. No one in the family tells
Mom to butt out of his business. I have told my guy that if he
doesn't want to fix our relationship he needs to go. He said I
need to go to court if I want him out. How do I handle his meddlesome
mother?
Focus less on Meddlesome Mom and more on the compliant son she
created. Married or not, most offspring with intact backbones would have
established firmer boundaries long ago. Loverboy doesn't seem to be
playing on your team at all.
You ordered him to leave; is it any surprise that Mom's
looking out for his social life? Besides, delivering ultimatums
doesn't further your goal of working things out, since you
don't know how and neither does he. So you're stuck lobbing
poison darts at each other. That's a handy outlet for resentment
and you've got lots to resent—his failure to stand up to Mom,
the sacrifices you made for the team you thought you were both on, his
failure to pay you back in any way and now his receptiveness to an old
flame. But resentment is toxic to a household, making the siren calls of
an old flame welcome relief.
Hiding under any resentment is pain. It's time to let
yourself feel it—and to tell Loverboy (nicely!) how deeply you are
hurt. Also tell him what you want for the future, and precisely what you
would like him to do to help bring it about. If he can't respond
empathetically, set a date for his departure. Also ponder the lessons
learned. In this case, a marriage license might have helped deter
Mom's most egregious moves.
