Advice: The Meddlesome Mom

A relationship on the rocks and an ever intrusive mom.

By Hara Estroff Marano, published on January 01, 2004 - last reviewed on April 30, 2008

I have been with a man for 17 years who loves my three children from a previous marriage. We live in a home I have long owned. He finally closed a failing business that kept him in debt. I often worked two jobs to pay the bills while the kids were growing up. He has always given his mom one-sided views of our relationship. Now she is trying to lure him back to a relationship with a girl he knew in his 20s. His mother also wants him to buy a house of his own, which he thinks will help us recapture our romance. No one in the family tells Mom to butt out of his business. I have told my guy that if he doesn't want to fix our relationship he needs to go. He said I need to go to court if I want him out. How do I handle his meddlesome mother?

Focus less on Meddlesome Mom and more on the compliant son she created. Married or not, most offspring with intact backbones would have established firmer boundaries long ago. Loverboy doesn't seem to be playing on your team at all.

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You ordered him to leave; is it any surprise that Mom's looking out for his social life? Besides, delivering ultimatums doesn't further your goal of working things out, since you don't know how and neither does he. So you're stuck lobbing poison darts at each other. That's a handy outlet for resentment and you've got lots to resent—his failure to stand up to Mom, the sacrifices you made for the team you thought you were both on, his failure to pay you back in any way and now his receptiveness to an old flame. But resentment is toxic to a household, making the siren calls of an old flame welcome relief.

Hiding under any resentment is pain. It's time to let yourself feel it—and to tell Loverboy (nicely!) how deeply you are hurt. Also tell him what you want for the future, and precisely what you would like him to do to help bring it about. If he can't respond empathetically, set a date for his departure. Also ponder the lessons learned. In this case, a marriage license might have helped deter Mom's most egregious moves.