Advice: He's All Bottled Up

Hara Estroff Marano gives advice to a woman whose disinterested boyfriend is an alcoholic.

By Hara Estroff Marano, published on February 03, 2004

My boyfriend of 13 months seems like he's pulling away from me instead of growing closer. We both confirm we love each other, when we are together. I've prayed for him and tried very hard. After about five months of dating he said I lived too far away for him to come see me, so now I drive 26 miles to see him on Friday and Saturday nights. If he's in town he will swing by and pick me up. He's had a problem with alcohol most his life. He tried to give it up for five weeks when we first met, then got another DUI. He has so much potential but doesn't believe in himself. I wish he didn't believe in the bottle. He said he doesn't want anyone but me, that he would like to keep me, but right now he has too much going on at his place. I don't understand; he's had three ex-wives and when they were married, they did not live near his parents. If I ever did get married, I would like the husband to move out of his parents’ house and live with me. His sister moved in last year with her two kids and he gets upset over that a lot, then has a drink. He does go to church every Sunday. Is there any hope? I've never married, waiting for the right one.

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It’s going to take more than church-going and prayer to make good mate material out of a man with three ex-wives, an ongoing drinking problem, disinterest in driving 26 miles to see you and the inability to leave his parents’ nest. It will take a miracle.

You are wise to wait for the right one, but this guy shows no signs of being able to live up to that designation. He is not only incapable of functioning independently but unable to even meet you half way. No doubt putting the burden of driving on you allows him to continue drinking without risking arrest. This sounds more like a bad charity than a real relationship.

It’s not worth your time to try to understand whether your boyfriend likes you more than his many ex’s. Clearly, he likes alcohol best of all.

The question I urge you to ask is not whether there’s any hope. The answer to that should be clear (no). The real issue is why are you so willing to continue a relationship with someone who gives so little to what must be a joint enterprise? Do you, deep down, think you are not worth more? Do you believe that relationships must be strewn with obstacles to be meaningful? Do you think men are bad and must be rescued from themselves by virtuous women? When you know the answer to these questions, you will be capable of finding the right one—someone who can give and receive love freely.