I am a 42-year-old divorced female, and I’ve been
involved with a 47-year-old divorced man for three years. He takes
Viagra for performance anxiety. Our sexual life was fun until a few
months ago, when he began talking about a fantasy he has, involving me
having sex with other men. Now, he would like me to do it in
reality.
I am highly uncomfortable with this. I get the old high
school reasoning, “If you love me, you will.” Since this
has become an obvious problem, his performance anxiety has worsened and
the Viagra is useless. I love him and want to help him but feel very
strongly that what he is asking for is immoral and
degrading.
Disregard, for the moment, whether his request is immoral;
it’s troubling to you, and that’s important enough. High
school is over, thank heavens, but Viagraman hasn’t graduated
beyond emotional blackmail. Hopefully, you’ve been schooled by life
to respect your own needs.
I’m assuming that you’ve clearly conveyed to him your
discomfort with his request. It’s his disregard for your distress
that’s noteworthy, along with his inability to be more flexible
sexually. Healthy relationships involve give and take. He seems to have
no “give” in any sense of the word when it comes to sex; only
one (questionable) act now lights his fuse, and what pleases you
isn’t even on his radar.
No relationship can thrive without mutual consent. Acceding to
demands, especially ones that disturb you deeply, only breeds resentment.
That, in the long run, will corrode the love you now feel as well as your
own respect for yourself.
When the situation arises again and if you really care for each
other, tell him—kindly—how troubled you are with his request
and that no amount of cajoling can talk the discomfort out of you. Use
the opportunity to also confide how distressed you are that your
interests get overridden in this key area of the relationship. If he
doesn’t respond to your hurt with empathy, then there’s not
much of a relationship to go on.
However, making room in the relationship for your comfort
won’t be easy. It means Viagraman will have to loosen the sexual
straitjacket he’s in. That will almost certainly require the help
of a good therapist.
Tags:
disregard,
divorced man,
emotional blackmail,
fantasy,
fuse,
having sex,
healthy relationships,
performance anxiety,
radar,
relationships,
sex,
sex with other men,
sexual life,
viagra
