Advice: When Fantasy Causes Harm

He wants her to sleep with other men.

By Hara Estroff Marano, published on November 01, 2003

I am a 42-year-old divorced female, and I’ve been involved with a 47-year-old divorced man for three years. He takes Viagra for performance anxiety. Our sexual life was fun until a few months ago, when he began talking about a fantasy he has, involving me having sex with other men. Now, he would like me to do it in reality.

I am highly uncomfortable with this. I get the old high school reasoning, “If you love me, you will.” Since this has become an obvious problem, his performance anxiety has worsened and the Viagra is useless. I love him and want to help him but feel very strongly that what he is asking for is immoral and degrading.

Disregard, for the moment, whether his request is immoral; it’s troubling to you, and that’s important enough. High school is over, thank heavens, but Viagraman hasn’t graduated beyond emotional blackmail. Hopefully, you’ve been schooled by life to respect your own needs.

I’m assuming that you’ve clearly conveyed to him your discomfort with his request. It’s his disregard for your distress that’s noteworthy, along with his inability to be more flexible sexually. Healthy relationships involve give and take. He seems to have no “give” in any sense of the word when it comes to sex; only one (questionable) act now lights his fuse, and what pleases you isn’t even on his radar.

No relationship can thrive without mutual consent. Acceding to demands, especially ones that disturb you deeply, only breeds resentment. That, in the long run, will corrode the love you now feel as well as your own respect for yourself.

When the situation arises again and if you really care for each other, tell him—kindly—how troubled you are with his request and that no amount of cajoling can talk the discomfort out of you. Use the opportunity to also confide how distressed you are that your interests get overridden in this key area of the relationship. If he doesn’t respond to your hurt with empathy, then there’s not much of a relationship to go on.

However, making room in the relationship for your comfort won’t be easy. It means Viagraman will have to loosen the sexual straitjacket he’s in. That will almost certainly require the help of a good therapist.