Advice: After the Affair

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I am a 40-year-old woman whose husband had an affair half a decade ago. I have worked things out with him but still feel hurt and betrayed when I see or hear something that reminds me of his infidelity. He doesn’t like to talk about it anymore since he is trying to move on.

It doesn’t sound as if you’ve worked things out with your husband at all. It sounds as if he’s struck a one-sided deal—he doesn’t have to talk about the affair in the name of “moving on” while you‘re stuck with the untenable task of forgiving and forgetting his humongous transgression. Your husband violated the rules you thought you were both living by. It’s not his place to determine when he has restored your sense of trust in him. He has to prove his trustworthiness to you. In addition, you and he have to renegotiate a new relationship from the ground up—one that works for both of you, not just one of you.

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