Why Did I Kick Out Mr. Wonderful?
For the past few years, I have been in a relationship with a wonderful, caring divorced man who has a nine-year-old son I can never be number one with. My partner is often busy and very involved in helping his large family—first a divorced and depressed father, now a sister newly diagnosed with cancer—which makes him often tense and irritable and leaves no time for me. I found myself feeling so detached and unneeded, I asked out of the relationship. By the next morning, he had already contacted a realtor to find him and his son a new apartment. He quickly registered his son in a new school and informed everyone that we were through. At first, I was happy to have peace again but after four weeks alone, I'm sad and I miss him. He is so angry and upset with me, that he says he cannot make any decision for a very long time and that he intends to just get on with his life and suggests I do the same. He says he loves me too still but that he cannot trust me right now, maybe not ever again. I don't know why I did what I did. I have never been married before and all of this chaos really finally got to me I guess. Is there any hope for us?
You're lucky Mr. Wonderful even talks to you. You did what you did because you don't understand that being in a relationship means you operate as a team. You both pull on the same side—especially when life throws major stresses at one of you. It may mean doubling up on everyday responsibilities to free him to deal with the family crisis. It may mean that you bend over backwards to soothe him when he comes home. It's part of the give and take of real relationships. There's the implicit assumption of being on a team. Each partner trusts that the other will pull for him or her in a time of crisis. And when the pressures ease, usually the relationship deepens, because weathering a storm together builds a shared history, security and gratitude, which get translated into love and trust.
Of course, to do this requires that you be a grownup, capable of putting the needs of your partner and the relationship ahead of your own for the duration of the crisis. Instead, you put yourself first. You felt jealous of the attention he was giving others. That's on top of the lack of attention you feel you deserve from the son. But that's a mistaken expectation on your part. You should never expect to be number one with a child who already has a mother, whether you like her or not. Every child needs to love and respect both parents, and your job as de-facto stepparent is to support that. Again, that requires being an adult.
The breach of trust here is at least equivalent to that of infidelity. Unless you've undergone some radical internal transformation he has no reason to trust you again. It's his call. And if he is willing, it's your job to demonstrate trustworthiness—to his satisfaction. Either way, you need to take some time to think upon the magnitude of your failure and the neediness that led you there. And you owe a heartfelt apology to Mr. Wonderful and his son for failing them.
Tags:
chaos,
divorced man,
everyday responsibilities,
family crisis,
implicit assumption,
long time,
new apartment,
next morning,
partner,
realtor,
relationship,
stress,
stresses,
trusts,
weathering,
wedding
