A White-Knuckle Christmas

Dick Clark Syndrome (DCS): Named for the American entertainer most famously associated with New Year's, DCS encompasses a host of fixations in which celebrants find their calendar-turning revelry marked more by lid-flipping than cork-popping. Sub-ailments include Fez-o-Phobia, a fear of silly paper hats; Midnight Madness, the dread of being kissed as the clock strikes 12 by a slobbering stranger with beer breath; and Synusitis, the inability to accurately define the words auld, lang and/or syne.

Walking Winter-Wonderland Disease (WWW): The inability to be giddy or mirthful at the sight of a new snowfall. Constantly complaining about the clatter of snow chains and expressing a sudden need to shovel the walk, the WWW-afflicted often remain debilitated by this wet-white-blanket disorder until the first spring thaw. For further information on WWW disease, log on to the national Web site at www.www.edu.