Born to Cheat
I have been engaged twice before. Both partners cheated on
me; this made me very angry as I was faithful and honest to them and
want to settle and start a family asap. However, a (married) colleague
at work paid me compliments and made me feel sexy again. We started an
illicit relationship over a year ago. My second fiancée and I
split as I realized that I could not trust him and I felt really guilty
as well. I moved out and later admitted there was someone else. My
colleague/lover told his wife about me and she throw him out, he came
and moved in with me and his wife has filed for a divorce. He has three
young children. ( I have met his children and they like me). Also, I
have discovered that he was flirting with other colleagues and I feel
jealous working with these other women. I love this man; he wants to
marry me but I cannot control my jealousy. He declares that he has
changed his ways and I believe him. I want us to be happy and although
we started off the way we did I deeply want us to make things work. Do
you think I have made the right decision?
Confused young woman
Whoa, girl. Are you looking for a sperm donor or a husband? Your
haste to start a family is already leaving a long bloody trail. If you
take away nothing else from this exchange, remember that raising kids is
hard work day in and day out for years (very much worth it, but it takes
a couple of decades to enjoy a payoff). You need to choose a partner who
is going to stick around and share the responsibilities. Just asking the
question suggests that you have deep doubts.
Of course taking up with a married guy is asking for it; he's
highly likely to repeat what he's already quite accomplished at and been
rewarded for. But enough about him. Do you really think it's an accident
of fate that you have such an unblemished record in choosing cheaters?
And being one? What beliefs do you hold about men, women, marriage and/or
sexuality that are leading you to choose/be a partner likely to cheat? I
wonder what deep lessons you learned about fidelity or sexuality in the
family you grew up in, where we absorb so many of our beliefs and
behavior patterns without even realizing it.
Hooking up with a proven cheater is also virtually guaranteed to
give a fantastic workout to your already out-of-control jealousy. But
dahlink, here, too, it's not about him. Your letter contains some pretty
clear clues ("he made me feel sexy," "he wants to marry me," "his
children like me") to the source of your jealousy--insecurity about your
own lovability.
This insecurity could be prompting you to declare eternal love to
whoever pays attention to you. That seems to be your maximum criterion
for a mate, when it should be the minimum. Is a potential partner nice?
Loyal? Reliable? Does he have good character? Can he keep his fly zipped?
Is he likely to help you raise the kiddies? You must look within yourself
and take steps to believe you are worthy of being loved and worthy of a
partner who has all those attributes--and maybe even more.
Bed Behavior
Getting to sleep is a piece of cake for me. But I always wake
up after four hours, which is around 2 a.m., and do not fall back to
sleep until 5:30 a.m. I feel very tired all the time because I have to
wake up at 6 a.m. to work. Please give me suggestions on this
problem.
Tu
First, take a look at what are you doing before you go to bed. If
you are drinking any alcohol, that alone could be the problem. It puts
people to sleep quickly--but wakes them up just as quickly because it's
processed by the body on the fast track.
Are you drinking caffeine in the afternoon or evening? That should
go, too. Sleep experts recommend cutting out caffeine entirely or
limiting yourself to one cup in the morning.
Another common sleep-wrecker is gastroesophageal reflex, the backup
of acidic stomach contents into your esophagus while you are laying down.
It usually causes a burning sensation in the throat or chest.
Middle-of-the-night insomnia most often has a medical cause. So you
need to get checked out by a good doctor who knows something about sleep
and insomnia.
But you also need to make sure that your body is building up enough
pressure for sleep that lasts the whole night. There's a difference
between fatigue, which is what you now feel all the time, and true
sleepiness. You must create true sleepiness. The pressure for sleep comes
from two things--being awake a sufficient amount of time and being active
enough while you are awake.
So if you're napping in the afternoon or evening, you need to cut
that out and package all your sleep for the night. In addition, you need
to add more activity to your life. Start exercising. Take a half-hour
walk at the end of the workday, preferably outdoors. Or build some
exercise into your day at a more convenient time. Give these measures a
test for at least one week.
If you're still getting up in the middle of the night, there's one
more step you can take. Push your bedtime back an hour to 11 p.m. and see
what happens.
It's entirely possible that you're waking up in the middle of the
night because something is on your mind that needs to be taken care of
and the failure to do is creating anxiety.
