The PermaParent Trap

By housing their twenty-something children and financing their lives, today's parents may be compromising their own.

By Pamela Paul, published on September 01, 2003 - last reviewed on October 10, 2007

Keeping the Lines of Communication Open

All this attention, it turns out, has been directed toward raising well-adjusted and well-rounded kids, and guiding those self-same kids into fulfilled adulthood, creating patterns along the way. According to Jane Adams, a social psychologist and author of When Our Grown Kids Disappoint Us, previous generations emphasized education and financial independence over all else for their children. In contrast, "Boomers are the first generation for whom their children's emotional fulfillment is a primary goal. Their parental mantra has been, 'Be happy or I'll kill you.'" In an effort to gratify their kids, Boomers have become unusually invested in their lives—determined to have an authentic, intimate relationship with their children.

To achieve this level of chumminess, parents have often acted less like stern grownups and more like their kids' peers, joining the youth culture wholeheartedly at the mall, even purchasing the same teen-oriented clothes for themselves. This closeness continues and strengthens as Echo Boomers reach early adulthood. "The generation gap used to be a significant barrier between parents and adult kids," says Roberta Maisel. "But today's fiftysomething parent and twenty-something child have a lot of the same values and desires."

Therese Christophe, a long-separated woman who lives with her grown son, Alexandre, says the arrangement works well precisely because her son and his friends don't view her as very different from themselves. "They see me as an adult, but they know I'm cool enough to be their friend," she explains. "I don't try to play this mother role. There's always been an equal relationship, and we're very tight. I'm not judgmental of him and he isn't judgmental of me." The result: "Living with my kid is like having a roommate, only a lot better."

Today's twentysomethings and their parents communicate better and are closer, finds family therapist Betty Frain. Indeed, in a survey of 1,003 high school students, a whopping 78 percent said that "having close family relationships" ranked highest (above money and fame, among other things) in defining success. But closeness also creates problems. "It becomes hard for these parents to say, 'I'm the leader in this family and it's time for you to go,'" says Frain. "We've gotten too friendly with our kids."

Studies suggest that grown kids' well-being is a major determinant of well-being for midlife parents. But over-identification with adult children means parents can lose perspective on what's best for one or both parties. "You see your kids' successes and failures as your own and thus try to immunize your child against failure," says Frank Furedi, professor of sociology at the University of Kent in the United Kingdom. With such a high level of emotional and financial investment, many parents see the status of their adult children as a final parental exam. And parents don't want a bad grade—either for themselves or for their kids.

Not surprisingly, parental involvement in kids' lives has pushed its way onto campuses, where "helicopter parents" hover, trying to help their kids through college financially, emotionally and even academically. Parents have been known to intervene in roommate disputes following an emotional e-mail plea from a child, or call a professor to question a grade. In response, universities are scheduling special parent orientation events, hiring parental "liaisons" to handle questions and demands, and firing off terse-but-diplomatic guidelines.

The days when parents simply dropped their kids off and waved goodbye are as antiquated as the college mixer. Today, The Harvard College Handbook for Parents is rife with messages to back off: "Parents are often tempted to call advisers or administrators or even rush back to Cambridge to 'make sure' that problems are quickly resolved," one booklet warns. "In fact, these well-intentioned efforts invariably slow the process by which freshmen learn to take responsibility for their dealings with individuals and institutions."

No Help Like Home

The most blatant manifestation of permaparenting is the phenomenon of boomerang kids. According to the census, in 2000, 4 million people between the ages of 25 and 34 lived with their folks. In a Monster/JobTrak.com poll of college seniors, 61 percent say they expect to move back home after graduation. Buzzword maven Faith Popcorn has coined a new term, "B2B" or Back-to-Bedroom, which she describes as "the phenomenon of jobless Gen Xers and Gen Ys returning to their parents' homes." NBC aired a show called Happy Family, a sitcom about a middle-aged couple who can't get rid of their adult children.

Yet many Boomers don't seem to be trying all that hard to empty the nest. "Boomerang kids are staying at home so they can save money to rent or buy a place of their own instead of living with roommates," says Jane Adams. "Often, they're spending lots of money on clothes and cars and vacations in the process. Unless we put our foot down, why should they move out?"

Whereas pre-Boomer parents—the GI and Depression/ War generations—reminded their children constantly of their sacrifices and taught them to be grateful for opportunities (what some might call "guilt-tripping"), Baby Boomers didn't want to do that to their kids. According to Adams, having grown up in an era of relative stability, Boomers inadvertently raised the next generation to feel entitled.