Over and over again I am reminded that the goal of parenthood is to
raise kids who can stand on their own two feet. And their own brains.
Kids who begin to learn at an early age how to think for themselves and
who get practice at it, and encouragement for doing so.
Of course, raising such kids isn't easy. It's a process of
negotiating decision-making every step of the way and, eventually,
handing over authority. Kindly tell me what parent today has time for
protracted debate over every single little facet of experience, or
negotiating which elements of a developing child's life are in fact
negotiable.
Add to that the fact that kids raised to be thoughtful don't always
automatically do what you say. They are given to questioning things,
including you and every other voice and symbol of authority.
I personally think those are small and necessary prices to pay,
because today's kids create tomorrow's society. We want them to be
steeped in the democratic process and capable of independent thinking on
all kinds of issues great and small. We want them to have all the
equipment for successful lives of their own.
While we of the grown-up generation may wish to remain as young as
possible as long as possible, we also take great pride in seeing our
children grow up, stand on their own and meet all the usual milestones of
adulthood. According to the University of Chicago's National Opinion
Research Council (NORC), which surveys large, representative samples of
the population, Americans believe that becoming an official grown-up is a
process and it takes about five years.
The milestones in this process are: becoming self-supporting,
living independently of parents, having a full-time job, completing one's
education, being able to support a family financially, getting married,
and having a child. The NORC study found that most Americans
place the start of the process at around age 21 and the end sometime
after turning 26. The age at which kids pass these markers may be up for
grabs a bit these days, but the markers themselves are firmly
fixed.
So seeing our children get married is a very happy event. It's a
signal they are continuing to grow, progressing on the path to adulthood.
Those with a Darwinian bent might argue that it is a source of pleasure
because it presages the continuation of our genes, marriage being the
traditional prelude to parenthood.
I think it's a profoundly special event for other reasons as well.
It provides the deep joy of knowing that our beloved children have the
very best thing in the world, the thing that counts most even when you
factor in riches and success and everything else—a true partner in life.
That, if they have chosen wisely, they will never know the pain of
loneliness.
I recently had the great pleasure of seeing my older son marry. And
the incredibly bittersweet pleasure of "giving away" my son. I didn't
walk him down any aisle; it was a strictly psychological experience. A
psychic wrestling match, actually, between me and a whole array of
emotions.
Our culture allows fathers to give away their daughters. But why
should dads get all privilege? It is at least as much the case that
mothers give away their daughters and sons. We play important roles in
their life. When they get married we have to do a final cutting of the
cord and give them up a little bit emotionally; after all, if things are
going right we can no longer be their closest confidante.
Why not publicly acknowledge that it is a big deal to be a mother,
that among many other things we are instrumental in fostering our
children's capacity for closeness and intimacy, which is what we gather
to celebrate at weddings in the first place? I make no apologies; I have a very close relationship with both my sons, who are also close to their
father. The closeness that I have with my sons will in many ways be a
model of the relationship each has with his chosen partner. Deeply
loving. Respectful. Multi-faceted. Not intrusive. Forgiving. Not
requiring constant attention.
Why not ceremonialize the fact that it is as big a deal for moms as
it is for dads to bow out of some closeness and that we have some handing
over to do?
My son asked me to give a toast (his father and uncle got to give
toasts, too). I toasted my son and his bride and their union. And I
arrogated for myself the emotional right to hand him off to his wife. I
can't even begin to camouflage the operatic emotions of that moment. The
joy of knowing that my son has a real partner in life. And the exquisite
poignancy of knowing that my favorite job (raising the kids) is done, and
I can completely let go.
Tags:
brains,
children,
developing child,
development,
elements,
encouragement,
facet,
full time job,
letting go,
marriage,
milestones,
national opinion research,
norc,
own two feet,
parenting,
pride,
representative samples,
s education,
University of Chicago
