Just Friends?
I have been married 25 years. My husband has been talking to
a woman and says they are just friends. He knows how uncomfortable it
makes me feel. This is the third time I have found her number on his
phone and he says there is nothing going on. He says he still loves me
and no one else. Am I stupid or what for staying? My heart can't take
it any more and this is my last time or should I just quit
now?
You are not stupid for staying in a marriage that has apparently
had its share of good years, but it would be wise to consider some
questions now. Has your husband ever had a conversation with his friend
in your presence? Has he ever introduced her to you or attempted to bring
you into the friendship? Is this friend married (not that being married
is any guarantee of fidelity, after all; but if she's single and living
alone it could raise your level of suspicion to, perhaps, orange
alert).
If they're just friends, then there is no reason for him to be
keeping his conversations with her secret from you or to keep the
friendship to himself. Most partners like to share good things, like
friendships, or at least information about them. That's what makes for a
great relationship; you each enrich the other by sharing accounts of
individual experiences.
A few other questions you might ask yourself: Just what prompted
you to go looking for a number? Were there other elements of his behavior
that aroused your suspicion that something was going on? Are there chunks
of your husband's time that are unaccounted for? And save yourself the
heartache of getting into a pitched battle with your husband over his
"friend." Instead find a quiet time to ask him how he would like to make
your relationship better so that he feels free to share his deepest
thoughts with you and not with someone on the outside.
Adult Entertainment
My husband and I have been together a little over five years,
married for one year. I recently found out—from other people—that he
has slept around. I confronted him and he said just once. However, I
have found condoms in his coat and we have not used condoms in over
three years; he told me it was for a bachelorette party at the bar he
hangs out at. I know when he is lying, and he was. I have also found
him masturbating to porn and he has profiles active on Internet sites
for finding mates, even on sites for married people wanting affairs.
When I confront him he goes into a rage and says it's for entertainment
only! I have found letters he has sent to some of these women and they
sound like he is having an affair! I have never been a jealous person
but lately I am having a hard time holding my composure.
Marriage, like any other deal, loses a lot of its charm when only
one partner plays by the rules. Still, it's pretty clear that
confrontation is not going to get you the love you want or the attitude
change your husband needs. There's nothing left to gain from
confrontation. He's already confessed to unfaithfulness. And you've got
hard evidence that he's playing around on the Internet.
It's time to talk to your husband. Find a moment when you can put
aside disappointment and anger at past betrayals and talk calmly and
caringly. Remind him what you two first saw in each other and what you
both hoped to build together in marriage. Then ask him what in his own
life or your current relationship he would like to do better.
Consider several possibilities. Maybe he's dead-ended in his job
and looking to be jolted out of depression. Maybe your husband doesn't
know how to state his sexual needs and ask you for what he wants. Maybe
he's embarrassed about what he likes and for some reason thinks it's not
something he should do with his wife. Maybe he doesn't know what
commitment is about. It doesn't mean he won't get sexually aroused by
strangers in bars ever again; it means he just can't act on it.
Maybe there were no real men around in his life when he was growing
up and now that he's on the inside he really doesn't know how marriage
works; it could be that he thinks sleeping around is manly and something
guys just do. Or maybe he grew up in a loveless home and got the mistaken
idea that marriage is the end of all fun. You need to ask him what his
ideas about married life are. This is the kind of information all couples
need to exchange regularly.
That said, I have a question for you: Why is your husband hanging
out at a bar? It's not good for his liver or his marriage; it's an
accident waiting to happen. What's he looking for there? If it's male
camaraderie, surely there are more constructive ways of finding it.
Perhaps you should make a point of being included in the outside
socializing; after all, everyone needs some.
How you and your husband spend time separately and together is at
the heart of marriage. It's a matter for calm discussion and joint
negotiation. You each have to be honest about your feelings and
considerate of the other. It's reasonable to make room for solo
activities—but also to expect that those activities not put either one
of you in situations that could jeopardize your relationship.
If you're not happy about him socializing at a bar, it's your
responsibility to tell him so; you might tell him that it not only puts
him in the direct line of fire with other women, it makes you feel uneasy
and unloved. It could be that your husband really has no clue how much he
is hurting your feelings.
