After an Affair
I am a 40-year-old married woman whose oldest child is
leaving for college. My husband had an affair five years ago. I have
worked things out with my husband but still feel hurt and betrayed when
I see or hear something that reminds me of his affair. He does not like
to talk about it any more since he is trying to move on.
It doesn't sound as if you've worked things out with your husband.
It sounds as if he's worked out a very favorable deal with you—in which
he doesn't have to talk about it anymore in the name of "moving
on"—while you get stuck doing all the emotional work of forgiving and
forgetting, which is an impossible task. An affair is a very big deal. A
few points to consider: An affair is essentially a betrayal of trust;
your husband violated the rules you thought you both were living by. It's
not his place to determine when he has restored your sense of trust; only
you can know that. Obviously, there's more work to be done there. What's
more, you and your husband have to renegotiate your relationship from the
ground up. Get the help of a good family therapist, one who works for the
relationship, not just for one of you.
Clinging Infidel
After 20 years, my wife and I split up four years ago. Six
months after moving out I began a sexual relationship. My wife found
out and begged me to come back. I did it mostly for our three kids, I
think, and continued to lie about the sex until it came out in
counseling. She forgave me and we remarried seven months ago. Then she
began having an affair. She's thrown me out and speeded up divorce
proceedings. I've begged forgiveness and let her know I truly love her.
I have tremendous guilt for neglecting her. I've gotten extremely
clingy, have followed her, even cracked into her email and read the sex
talks. She says it's over and can't be fixed. Every day I punish myself
and ask her to take me back. Every day she hates me more.
What a painful war of retribution you two are stuck in!! But your
clinging and spying are guaranteed not to prove your trustworthiness or
desirability as a partner, the first thing that must be done if there is
any hope of salvaging this relationship. Get off your knees and onto your
feet. Don't wallow in your guilt; let it be the stimulus for learning
better ways of behaving and acquiring the skills for bridging the
emotional chasm that has long existed between you and your wife.
Demonstrate—don't declare—your respect for her and your 20 years
together.
Lifestyle or Love?
I have been married for almost 20 years to a well-educated
attorney and college professor. I was an RN, but haven't worked in 15
years. I also have MS, but so far it hasn't been a problem. My husband
had his first affair in the early '90s. It lasted almost five years,
until the woman, a co-worker, moved. We tried to work on the marriage
and were doing reasonably well until I discovered a love letter to a
woman he was planning to meet in Germany (he travels constantly).
Unbeknownst to me, our son, 15, also discovered this letter, and went
into an emotional tailspin. We are in counseling, but I wonder
constantly what to do. He says he loves me and wants to work on the
marriage, says there's something wrong with him and doesn't know why he
did it. At 52 I'm afraid to strike out on my own and I do have a very
comfortable lifestyle. Yet I worry about the effect on my son (who is
in treatment for abusing pot at a private school). I am losing respect
for myself. What should I do?
It's possible to salvage a marriage after infidelity, but it isn't
easy. There's nothing worth fixing unless your husband shows empathy for
the pain he caused you (and your son), and takes responsibility for the
choices he made, regardless of any problems in the marriage.
The bedrock of relationships is trust; the shattering of trust
through betrayal makes infidelity a true trauma. The betrayal is not sex
with another woman, it's his secretly becoming emotionally closer to an
outsider than to you while you are operating on a different set of
assumptions about your relationship. Healing involves a long slow
rebuilding of trust—by your husband stopping all contact with the affair
partners, by sharing his whereabouts, by being willing to answer all of
your questions about past and present contacts with the affair partners.
Just as important, you have to together design the relationship you both
want, one you can both look forward to—and make time for it.
No lifestyle, no matter how comfortable, is a substitute for close
connection with another human being. Staying in a marriage for fear of
being on one's own does not encourage closeness. Sharing your deepest
feelings and dreams for the future with each other does, and is the
single best deterrent to an affair.
By the way, your MS may not be disabling you but it may be
profoundly affecting your relationship. That you have a condition that is
usually progressive may be keeping your husband emotionally distant from
you. The only way to know is by talking about it in a gentle and open
way. On this you have to take the lead, because his reticence may be his
(misguided) way of trying to protect both of you.
