H
ow To Cope
I had a real hard time after my divorce 14 years ago. It took
me to this past November to get into another relationship and I fell
really hard for the guy. Now that relationship is ending, I am not
okay. How do other people cope?
With difficulty. The loss of a relationship is never easy to
endure. Rejection is always a blow to our deepest sense of self. Most
people use all available means for coping. They talk to friends, let out
the pain in tears or in writing. Both help you gain perspective on what
was right and what wrong about the relationship, so you can avoid the
same mistakes in the future. Resilient people also do things that nourish
a positive sense of self. They get extra exercise. Or throw themselves
into an absorbing project. Remember, all intimate relationships are
practice runs until all the pieces fall into place. View your recent
relationship as a rehearsal opportunity for the real thing.
How Men Behave
I have been separated from my husband for almost three years
now. We have a six-year-old son. I have a boyfriend who has been a big
part of my son's life. We now realize that we don't have the same
long-term goals and think it is better that we go our separate ways. I
am concerned about how my son will take this and am worried that he
will think that this is normal behavior for a man.
Brava for you to consider all the ramifications of your actions on
your son. The truth is, children take their cues on how to respond from
their parents. You are in a terrific position to talk to your son and let
him know the truth-that this was a careful, rational decision made by two
adults looking far into the future. Your son doesn't need to know any
details--they only overwhelm children and made them anxious. But he does
need to know that you still think your ex-boyfriend is a nice person. And
perhaps there is a way that the two of them can continue a
friendship.
Life After Divorce
I am 43 years old and have not dated since I separated from
my ex-husband in 1995. Friends insist that even though I loathe the
idea I should date and/or become sexually involved with a man so that I
will be able to relate to the right one when he comes along? What do
you think?
Love is a lot like riding a bicycle. You don't forget so easily,
although, when you're ready to roll again, it may take some practice
rides before you can manage a long road trip.
You're right in thinking no one should ever date--much less become
sexually involved--unless they want to. Dating isn't supposed to be an
ordeal; it's a way of getting to know someone. The prospect of dating can
be daunting to someone who once enjoyed the closeness of a built-in
relationship; it takes an effort. But it also can be great fun if you
psych yourself up for it.
The end of a marriage is a big loss. It doesn't just make you sad,
it should be a cause for soul-searching. Usually, failures by both
parties are contributing factors. So it's wise to take some time to
examine your role in what went wrong, figure out how to do things better,
and practice new relationship skills.
But that shouldn't take forever. If you just can't face dating at
all, perhaps some fear (e.g., of making the same mistake, of being
rejected) or mistaken belief (e.g., that you are not worthy of love, or
that love ends badly) is keeping your life on hold. Look into yourself
now so you can have a good relationship ahead.
