Marriage Q&A

Keeping life sexy and excitingis an important part of marriage.

By Hara Estroff Marano, published on August 01, 2003 - last reviewed on August 30, 2004

E ye on the Prize

How can I get my long-time husband to think sexy? When we have sex, it's great! But he gets distracted so easily. For instance, we might start out in the shower with sensuous stroking and agree to move into the bedroom, but he has to squeegee the glass shower door before proceeding. Or we'll agree to share a cocktail and intimacy, he'll pour the drinks and then suddenly notices the floor is dirty and has to vacuum before coming back for the drinks. It really breaks the mood for me! Any suggestions?

I consulted family therapist Michele Weiner-Davis, author of The Sex-Starved Marriage. Here's what she had to say: "There could be lots of reasons for your husband's lack of focus on sex. But before you read too much into it, it's possible that he just might have a strong need to have things in order before he relaxes. Many women feel this way; he might, too. I'd also wonder whether he is easily distracted regarding other issues. If so, he might have an attention deficit disorder and it may have absolutely nothing to do with you or his feelings about sex.

But rather than analyze things to death, I'd suggest that you focus on the fact that when you finally get him to pay his undivided attention, you have a great time. That's the most important detail. Don't take his lack of focus personally. He's just a little quirky, a bit like Felix Unger. Just humor him along while he squeegees or vacuums. Playfully seduce him away from his chores. Keep your eyes on the prize. There are many women who would be thrilled to be able to say that sex with their husbands is great.