How They Work Q&A

Communication, trust, and demonstrations of affectionare the bedrock of relationships.

By Hara Estroff Marano, published on August 01, 2003 - last reviewed on August 30, 2004

C reeping Doubts

I am in what appears to be a great relationship, yet the moment I leave my boyfriend the fears and doubts creep into my head. What's with that?

Your sense of mistrust could have several sources. It could come from your own insecurity. Or you may in fact be picking up subtle signals from your beau. Alternatively, you may have unrealistic expectations about what constitutes caring. Or perhaps somewhere along the line you got faulty instructions about the reliability of men. In any case, the doubts you have are likely to influence the way you act and could turn off your partner. So it's in your best interest to figure this out. Your best bet is to make a list: Exactly what does your beau do--or not do--that triggers your doubts?

Dirty Words

I just started a relationship with a guy I really like. I went through his messages once and saw one from a girl who wrote some obscene things to my man. I told him what I saw and he didn't seem mad that I went through his stuff. He just said there was nothing between the girl and him. But now he doesn't call like he used to, and when I call he's hardly ever on seat. Maybe I'm just being paranoid. What do I do?

Ask him, for starters. The next time you talk ask him if he's avoiding you. Tell him you're picking up signals and you need to know if you're reading things correctly. Also ask him if that incident left a bad taste--sometimes it takes a while to absorb the full impact of a violation of trust. It's hard to maintain distance relationships under the best of circumstances, and impossible unless you not only clear the air regularly but also find ways to show lots of affection to each other. And while you're at it, consider the possibility that your man likes talking dirty. Lots of people seek it out on the Internet as a "harmless" outlet.

Who's Confused?

After a 30-year marriage, I found myself involved with a twice-divorced guy who sees me for four or five months, then finds a problem in the relationship. The last was my insecurities and chaos in my family life. He always wants to remain phone friends but no getting together. I have fallen very hard for him but am feeling very torn. Should I once again be his phone friend or should I call a halt to all of this. Am I confused or is he?

I think you know the answer to the questions. 1. No, do not once again be his phone friend, with or without the idea of regaining togetherness. 2. He is the one who is confused, at least about how to conduct relationships. Too many women settle for guys who just don't cut it, thinking they can somehow transform them. And too many women assume the problem is in themselves. This guy's a dud. The sooner you begin looking elsewhere, the happier you will be.

Beyond Words

I am a young girl of 22 facing a lot of problems with my boyfriend. He tells me he loves me, but I don't see the attention. He's a student and most often he complains of being busy to the point of not paying attention to me. We just recently have quarreled on this matter. I don't know whether to break off the relationship.

You're right in expecting that positive feelings such as love should be detectable in behavior. And I'm presuming you've determined that this guy has some good traits that make him worthy of your affection. That said, it's never too soon to start building the relationship skills you're going to need if you want to get and keep love in your life. Instead of quarrelling with your boyfriend, ask him how he knows that you like him and what he thinks is reasonable behavior on his part for you to get the message that he likes you. Then negotiate and compromise on a plan for spending some time together (and some time for studying) that satisfies both of you, at least for now.

When To Have Sex

I am recently divorced after a 16-year marriage followed by a two-year separation. I am trying to get back into the world and the dating scene is not what I remember. I have tried the Internet sites with some success. But what I really want to know is when do you have sex without seeming like a loose person? Before I was married you did not have sex before marriage, but what is the norm now?

Some things are indeed different. The vast majority of people no longer wait for marriage to have sex. Very few women today marry as virgins. Women are now older at the time of marriage and they are more financially independent. As a result, double standards of behavior are rapidly disappearing. That's a good deal for women.

But some things never change. One is, when to have sex. The answer is, when you are certain you have found someone you like, someone you want to build a relationship with and someone you trust. And when you are sure your partner is as interested in you as you are in him. Sex is an act of intimacy, and only you can know when it feels right in a relationship. Trust your own judgment.