Death Throes
My daughter cries all the time because she is miserable in
her marriage. For over 10 years she has been pretty much the sole
caregiver for her two children--husband always golfing, etc. She had us
all fooled into believing she was fine until one day she told her
husband she was filing for divorce. He went crazy! They fight all the
time now, waking the kids in the middle of the night with their yelling
and screaming. What can I do to help my girl?
Too bad your son-in-law was long allowed to lead a privileged life
while his wife did the hard family work. Given the anger she feels at the
abandonment she experienced as a de facto single mom, no wonder she
believes that love is gone forever. But she can fall back in love with
the father of her kids--if both of them can learn how to be partners in a
real relationship. It's not going to be easy, but each needs to know that
marriage requires care and feeding, to be in touch with his/her own
needs, feel entitled to speak up for them, and do so in a way that
preserves good feelings and even allows them to grow.
Lost Boy
My husband is always depressed. He says he hates himself and
that he doesn't have a problem with me yet at the same time he
complains about everything I do. I don't cook the right foods, I yell
too much, I'm too opinionated. We have been married 17 years. The last
2 and 1/2 have been pure hell. Our constant fighting is tearing the
kids and us apart. I am lost and hopeless without my best
friend.
Your concern is not misplaced. Depression doesn't just manifest in
sadness. It often makes people hostile and irritable. As you have
experienced, depression in one partner can wreak havoc on marital and
family relationships. In addition to enduring the chaos of your home
life, you miss the partner your husband once was--and bear the worry that
he might harm himself. Your husband is carrying the burden of a medical
illness that can indeed be treated. While drug treatment may well be
indicated, your husband can also benefit from Interpersonal Therapy
(IPT), one of the most validated treatments for depression. Be sure to
see a doctor who has a comprehensive approach to depression and its
consequences.
On the Rocks
I uncovered some emails between my wife and another man, who
happens to be a relative. They seem to be in love and want each other
in an intimate way. She asked me for a divorce prior to my finding this
out. I confronted her and she denies any sexual activity. We have two
daughters and I am afraid they will be exposed to this. I am not sure
how to handle any of this. I love my wife and if nothing physical
happened I would probably take her back if she so desired.
The alienation between you and your wife is so extreme it no doubt
seems unbridgeable to her. But it may not be too late to rekindle the
love you once had. However, that requires actually demonstrating
affection, no sign of which animates your message. There's no reason to
doubt your wife's declaration of sexual fidelity, but you should be far
more concerned about her emotional fidelity, since it's the emotional
alienation from you that has undoubtedly made her receptive to affection
from others. You need to talk calmly but openly to your wife, let her
know that you want to start over as a couple--and search out a program
that teaches relationship skills to couples who are in the same
predicament you are. Check out www.smartmarriages.com.
Hot and Cold
I have been married to the most wonderful man for the past
seven years. Recently he totally changed. He says it isn't anyone else
and he doesn't need anyone. But he seems to show more affection to the
dog than to me. I'm trying hard to support him but he is so hot and
cold that the mixed messages are torture. He refuses to seek
counseling, on his own or as a couple. I am seeing a therapist to help
me deal with my fear and feelings of loss over a man and marriage I
thought would last forever. I just need to know that he still loves me,
wants our future and is willing to work on it. What do I do next? And
if one more person tells me to be patient and strong and be there for
him I am going to scream.
Don't be patient, be smart. Stop seeking reassurance. Start getting
information. Consider several possibilities:
1. Your husband could be lying (about an affair). He wouldn't be
the first, although it makes women doubt their own sanity.
2. Your husband may be depressed or anxious. He wouldn't be the
first, either, but many guys see getting help as a sign of weakness,
which only magnifies their irritability and suffering.
3. Have you tried sitting down and talking calmly to your husband,
expressing your genuine concern about him, telling him how his behavior
comes across, letting him know how worried you are about him and how
terrified it's making you about his well-being and your future? By making
it "safe" for your husband to talk, you're likely to get some clues about
what's going on.
Drifted Apart
Tags:
17 years,
abandonment,
chaos,
death throes,
family relationships,
filing for divorce,
good feelings,
havoc,
hell,
kids in the middle,
privileged life,
single mom,
sole caregiver
