Advice Column

M
en Like Me

I am wondering if there are any others out there like me. I am a
50-year-old male who is semi-retired and financially secure; people say I
look like a 40-year-old and have the body of a 25-year-old, as I really
do take care of myself. I do believe I am a bit of a romantic and have
been told I am good looking. So with all these qualities why can I not
seem to even find a date?

Because, you may not have heard but it takes more than a body and a
bank account to interest good women these days. And yes, indeed, I
suspect there are others like you. Maybe many others. Most contemporary
women (and most men, too) want a genuine relationship. They want to hook
up with someone they can talk to on a dark night. They want someone with
whom to share the joys and burdens of life. A true partner for life's
journey. A soulmate. And while a bank account and abs are nice, things
like personality and character and values matter at least as much.
They're the means by which people connect with each other.

Consider the possibility that you may be strutting around so
pleased with your pecs and your bank account that you are giving off the
unmistakable vibes of self-absorption, while women are looking to make
contact with a guy who has some sensitivity, intelligence, wit and maybe
even a bit of charm. You certainly betray no signs of these in your
letter.

I wonder where, exactly, you are currently looking. Most women lead
pretty busy lives these days. If you're not in the work world, I suggest
you try the world of online dating. It's become an acceptable way of
meeting. Most online dating services charge a monthly fee and require
that you write and post a profile that describes you. An online profile
allows someone to get more than a skin-deep glimpse of you. And you, of
course, can surf the profiles of all the women and establish a
conversation that might lead to a date.

Four Months of Fun

I have dated one guy consistently every Friday and/or Saturday
night for the past four months. We are both extremely attracted to each
other and always spend our time together alone, although we engage in
conversations about our jobs and our families. We don't spend time in any
other circumstances, such as at parties with friends or at the movies. We
are both in our 40s, never married, although I am a single mom raising a
son, age 12, a straight-A student. I think I am in love yet we never
discuss any future plans. Is this worth pursuing? Janet

It typically takes at least six months for a sense of commitment to
develop. So it may not yet feel safe to either or both to make, or talk
about, future plans. But you should feel comfortable enough to tell your
guy that you are beginning to develop warm and fuzzy feelings for him,
that you would love to be able to show him a bit more of your life and to
share some of it with him. And that you hope he feels the same way about
you.

You are right to be concerned about the isolation of this
relationship from everything else in your lives. You can't know what
someone is really like and how well they function, and thus whether they
are good mate material, until you see them in a variety of contexts and
especially with other people.

A man who is in his 40s and never married may shun social
situations because he is short on social skills or lacks confidence in
the ones he has; that's remediable. It's also possible that a man may
avoid social situations because he becomes jealous of any attention his
date might pay to others. That's not so remediable and, while at first
that may make some women feel special, it could turn a future together
into a living hell.

You need more information before you get too emotionally invested
in this relationship. Why don't you take the first step and invite him to
dinner with one or two close friends. His reaction to your invitation
will be very revealing. Some guys could handle it with ease, but in this
case you don't want to start by extending an invitation to the annual
family reunion. A smaller, less portentous gathering would be
better.