Advice Column

Answers to difficult questions on dating later in life and pursuing commitment

By Hara Estroff Marano, published on August 05, 2003

M en Like Me

I am wondering if there are any others out there like me. I am a 50-year-old male who is semi-retired and financially secure; people say I look like a 40-year-old and have the body of a 25-year-old, as I really do take care of myself. I do believe I am a bit of a romantic and have been told I am good looking. So with all these qualities why can I not seem to even find a date?

Because, you may not have heard but it takes more than a body and a bank account to interest good women these days. And yes, indeed, I suspect there are others like you. Maybe many others. Most contemporary women (and most men, too) want a genuine relationship. They want to hook up with someone they can talk to on a dark night. They want someone with whom to share the joys and burdens of life. A true partner for life's journey. A soulmate. And while a bank account and abs are nice, things like personality and character and values matter at least as much. They're the means by which people connect with each other.

Consider the possibility that you may be strutting around so pleased with your pecs and your bank account that you are giving off the unmistakable vibes of self-absorption, while women are looking to make contact with a guy who has some sensitivity, intelligence, wit and maybe even a bit of charm. You certainly betray no signs of these in your letter.

I wonder where, exactly, you are currently looking. Most women lead pretty busy lives these days. If you're not in the work world, I suggest you try the world of online dating. It's become an acceptable way of meeting. Most online dating services charge a monthly fee and require that you write and post a profile that describes you. An online profile allows someone to get more than a skin-deep glimpse of you. And you, of course, can surf the profiles of all the women and establish a conversation that might lead to a date.

Four Months of Fun

I have dated one guy consistently every Friday and/or Saturday night for the past four months. We are both extremely attracted to each other and always spend our time together alone, although we engage in conversations about our jobs and our families. We don't spend time in any other circumstances, such as at parties with friends or at the movies. We are both in our 40s, never married, although I am a single mom raising a son, age 12, a straight-A student. I think I am in love yet we never discuss any future plans. Is this worth pursuing? Janet

It typically takes at least six months for a sense of commitment to develop. So it may not yet feel safe to either or both to make, or talk about, future plans. But you should feel comfortable enough to tell your guy that you are beginning to develop warm and fuzzy feelings for him, that you would love to be able to show him a bit more of your life and to share some of it with him. And that you hope he feels the same way about you.

You are right to be concerned about the isolation of this relationship from everything else in your lives. You can't know what someone is really like and how well they function, and thus whether they are good mate material, until you see them in a variety of contexts and especially with other people.

A man who is in his 40s and never married may shun social situations because he is short on social skills or lacks confidence in the ones he has; that's remediable. It's also possible that a man may avoid social situations because he becomes jealous of any attention his date might pay to others. That's not so remediable and, while at first that may make some women feel special, it could turn a future together into a living hell.

You need more information before you get too emotionally invested in this relationship. Why don't you take the first step and invite him to dinner with one or two close friends. His reaction to your invitation will be very revealing. Some guys could handle it with ease, but in this case you don't want to start by extending an invitation to the annual family reunion. A smaller, less portentous gathering would be better.