Advice Column

Answers to difficult questions on divorce and children, trust and dating

By Hara Estroff Marano, published on July 21, 2003

W hat is a great book to read of starting over after divorce? Anything dealing with guilt and how to put that aside and move on? I have a little child and worry constantly about the impact on her years growing up.

Be 2600

The negative effects of divorce on children are often temporary and stem from the fact that parents often distracted by their own problems. In other words, divorcing parents tend to divert their attention from their children around the time of divorce. Negative effects are not inevitable. You can focus on the positive AND prevent problems by continuing to supervise and monitor your child the way all good parents do. Make sure she has friends and opportunities to be with them in safe ways, that she does her schoolwork, and that you and she have time to talk to each other. It's not wise for you to confide your worries about yourself or your daughter to her. By setting aside time to be with her on a regular basis you calm her anxieties. If you ask her how things are going for her, and demonstrate your willingness to listen, you can pick up early signs of distress before they turn into ingrained problems.

I just started a relationship with a guy I really like. I went through his messages once and saw one from a girl who wrote some obscene things to my man. I told him what I saw and he didn't seem mad that I went through his stuff. He just said there was nothing between the girl and him. But now he doesn't call like he used to, and when I call he's hardly ever on seat. Maybe I'm just being paranoid. What do I do?

Moji

Ask him, for starters. The next time you talk ask him if he's avoiding you. Tell him you're picking up signals and you need to know if you're reading things correctly. Also ask him if that incident left a bad taste-sometimes it takes a while to absorb the full impact of a violation of trust. It's hard to maintain distance relationships under the best of circumstances, and impossible unless you not only clear the air regularly but also find ways to show loots of affection to each other. And while you're at it, consider the possibility that your man likes talking dirty. Lots of people seek it out on the internet as a "harmless" outlet.