W
hy He Doesn't Want Commitment
I am 20 years old and recently moved in with my 28-year-old
boyfriend, who is divorced and visits his three-year-old son every
weekend, two hours away. We broke up a few weeks ago but still live
together. He doesn't want a committment. He says he cares about me a
lot and doesn't want to hurt me but wants to party and be young while
he still can. He was married at 20 and has always worked. He and I work
at the same place. I need someone there. I don't feel right when I am
alone. I have a 14-month old son. What can I do to get over him ? Is
there a chance this will work?
Laura
Despite divorce and distance, your boyfriend honors his commitment
as a father and that is extremely admirable. It suggests he has good
character. But it's easy to see why right now he feels that his
commitment plate is full.
Please look at your situation objectively. While you bring love
into your boyfriend's life, you do it in a vastly complicating way, by
requiring that he tend to the needs of an additional family. It is quite
unreasonable to expect him to take on that responsibility so
quickly.
As the custodial parent of your son, you have the obligation to
tend to your child's needs, even if it means staying home alone
sometimes. Parenting is and always has been a demanding job; it's not for
the faint of heart. Hopefully you and your son receive some financial and
emotional attention from your son's father, who is legally obligated to
provide it.
For now, focus your energy on raising your son. Applaud and
encourage your boyfriend to honor the obligations he incurred before you
entered his life. Your support--with no demands that he be your
caretaker--may eventually prove irresistible to him.
Love on the Rebound
I am 44, divorced for eight months and have entered the
dating arena. One thing I've heard before but didn't pay much attention
to until now is that you don't want to be someone's "rebound" person. I
have dated a couple of different men and recently met a man I'm very
interested in. But I would definitely be his "rebound." Should I keep a
safe distance until he experiences a "rebound" person? Please explain
any validity to this theory.
Jules
There's only one way to avoid being a "rebound" catch--by going
slowly, which is essential. What makes "rebound" relationships so
unstable is that they're often rushed into for the wrong reason--someone
looking either for proof that they are lovable after a failed
relationship or for the sheer comfort of deep intimacy or distraction of
being with someone rather than alone. They are a flight from something
undesirable, not a movement toward something healthy.
That's not to say that you can't meet a wonderful person right off
the bat. You can, and maybe you have and maybe he has. The only way you
will know is by continuing to see each other in a variety of
circumstances and settings.
You need time to bond as a couple, because the relationship will be
under stress from each of your links to the past, especially if there are
children involved. You also need time to allow for the mental
reorganization that must take place. You've got to replace the image in
your head of what a man is like based on your ex.
People choosing a mate the second time around often look for traits
exactly opposite those of their first parter. Mistake! Instead of
choosing someone different, they need to do things differently,
particularly manage conflict differently.
Has your new man met your family and friends and spent some time
with them? What do they think of him and what a good match he is for you?
Remember, you made a mistake once, and you need the input of others
besides yourself. And have you met his family and friends? And what's
their opinion?
If the relationship is right, time will only validate that.
