Disagreeing with Loved Ones

Most lovers' quarrels are never resolved—and that's ok. Most of the things you and your spouse are fighting about today, you'll still be fighting about a decade from now. It turns out that that's no cause for alarm.

By Hara Estroff Marano, published on June 12, 2003 - last reviewed on February 05, 2009

Here's one of my favorite findings from relationship research. Most of the things you and your spouse are fighting about today, you'll still be fighting about a decade from now.

It turns out that that's no cause for alarm. It's not a sign that you married the wrong person or that your relationship is headed down the tubes.

According to John Gottman, professor of family psychology at the University of Washington in Seattle, couples argue about the same issues 69 percent of the time. They don't resolve their problems. In fact, Gottman's long-term studies of more than 670 couples show, many of the problems couples regularly argue about are actually insoluble.

"It's a myth that if you solve your problems you'll automatically be happy," says Gottman. "We need to teach couples that they'll never solve most of their problems."

And should you change partners, you'll just get a different set of unresolved issues.

I know a couple who spent several more-or-less happy decades together, until he died. They were true soulmates and it was obvious to most people that they really cared for each other.

But they argued regularly. And most of the time it was about the same thing. She wanted him to take more responsibility for maintaining the house and other mundane elements of their life; she felt that too much of the unpleasant details of their joint life rested on her.

They'd go along for weeks with perhaps only slight muttering on her part. Then something would happen—perhaps a bill would be overdue—and she would blow up. An argument would follow. They would end it by making some plan for re-balancing the responsibilities of everyday life. And they would live happily for weeks, until it was time for another "discussion" that would adjust the balance of responsibilities.

The way to happiness, Gottman has found, is to "establish a dialogue" with the problems. You just learn to live with them much the way someone learns to live with a bad back.

The trick is to acknowledge your partner's limitations, push for some improvement—while still communicating acceptance. This is something we do naturally in our friendships. It's something we need to do in marriage, too.