A
Public Utility
I am married to someone who is not entirely ill-meaning but
is given to excessive temper. For the first time in my life, I went
away for 15 days, leaving my 16 year old son and 11 year old daughter
with him, because my mother was very sick. When I came back my son was
talking of suicide and my daughter looked like a tramp.
My daughter has a friend with whom she played throughout my
absence. On my return the friend's mom and my spouse were very friendly
, which does not truly bother me because he has a history of falling in
love with my children's friends' mothers.
My spouse lost his father when he was 15 and was brought up
by an abusive mother who hit him everyday.
I am not sure what to do. I certainly do not feel comfortable
living with this man. I also feel that having some sort of a father is
better than having no father. Living with him I find myself very
depressed, no matter what I do.
I have developed a genuine dislike for this man. But he has
certain utilities like a paycheck and he drives the children
around.
I'm sorry that your husband was abused as a child. Many people
were. That is no excuse for bad behavior as an adult.
It might be time to reconsider the utility of a person who in 15
days can make your son talk of suicide and destroy your daughter's
appearance and behavior.
Also, what is the utility of a person who can make you feel very
depressed? Depression is undoubtedly the source of the apathy you
display. But depression in a mother is especially harmful to children; it
diminishes involvement in and effectiveness at parenting.
And what about the contempt your husband has shown you by openly
getting involved with another woman? Your depression may render you so
apathetic that you accept it, but it seems to be very disturbing to your
children.
You make it sound perfectly normal that your husband has "a history
of falling in love with the mothers of your children's friends." It is
demeaning and depressing. Everyone knows this isn't the way it's supposed
to be.
Whatever "utilities" your husband now provides could continue in
the event of separation and divorce. Separation agreements are necessary
to spell out parental obligations so that children get the continuing
care and support of both parents, which they need.
You have not indicated one even mildly compelling reason why you
should continue to live with a man who openly disrespects you, conducts
himself in a way so disturbing to your children that they talk of
suicide, and whom you don't even like.
Please convey to your husband the urgency of seeing a family
counselor-at the very least because of your son's suicide threats-and
make an appointment for the whole family NOW!! You need to be together in
one room with a professional who makes it safe for each person to
talk.
Eye on the Prize
How can I get my long-time husband to think sexy? When we
have sex, it's great! But he gets distracted so easily. For instance,
we might start out in the shower with sensuous stroking and agree to
move into the bedroom, but he has to squeegee the glass shower door
before proceeding. Or we'll agree to share a cocktail and intimacy,
he'll pour the drinks and then suddenly notices the floor is dirty and
has to vacuum before coming back for the drinks. It really breaks the
mood for me! Any suggestions?
Focused wife
I consulted family therapist Michele Weiner-Davis, expert on sexual
TK and author of The Sex-Starved Marriage. Here's what she had to
say:
"There could be lots of reasons for your husband's lack of focus on
sex. But before you read too much into it, it's possible that he just
might have a strong need to have things in order before he relaxes. Many
women feel this way; he might, too. I'd also wonder whether he is easily
distracted regarding other issues. If so, he might have an attention
deficit disorder and it may have absolutely nothing to do with you or his
feelings about sex.
"But rather than analyze things to death, I'd suggest that you,
Focused wife, focus on the fact that when you finally get him to pay his
undivided attention, you have a great time. That's the most important
detail. Don't take his lack of focus personally. He's just a little
quirky, a bit like Felix Unger. Just humor him along while he squeegees
or vacuums. Playfully seduce him away from his chores. Keep your eyes on
the prize. There are many women who would be thrilled to be able to say
that sex with their husbands is great.
Tags:
absence,
abusive mother,
adult,
bad behavior,
contempt,
excessive temper,
excuse,
falling in love,
genuine dislike,
having some sort,
time in my life,
tramp
