Entertaining Disaster
My husband and I have been together a little over five years,
married for one year. I recently found out--from other people--that he
has slept around. I confronted him and he said just once. However, I have
found condoms in his coat and we have not used condoms in over three
years; he told me it was for a bachelorette party at the bar he hangs out
at. I know when he is lying, and he was. I have also found him
masturbating to porn and he has profiles active on internet sites for
finding mates, even on sites for married people wanting affairs. When I
confront him he goes into a rage and says it's for entertainment only! I
have found letters he has sent to some of these women and they sound like
he is having an affair! I have never been a jealous person but lately I
am having a hard time holding my composure. I really need some
guidance!
Marriage, like any other deal, loses a lot of its charm when only
one partner plays by the rules. Still, it's pretty clear that
confrontation is not going to get you the love you want or the attitude
change your husband needs.
There's nothing left to gain from confrontation. He's already
confessed to unfaithfulness. And you've got hard evidence that he's
playing around on the internet.
It's time to talk to your husband. Find a moment when you can put
aside disappointment and anger at past betrayals and talk calmly and
caringly. Remind him what you two first saw in each other and what you
both hoped to build together in marriage. Then ask him what in his own
life or your current relationship he would like to do better.
Consider several possibilities. Maybe he's dead-ended in his job
and looking to be jolted out of depression. Maybe your husband doesn't
know how to state his sexual needs and ask you for what he wants. Maybe
he's embarrassed about what he likes and for some reason thinks it's not
something he should do with his wife. Maybe he doesn't know what
commitment is about. It doesn't mean he won't get sexually aroused by
strangers in bars ever again; it means he just can't act on it.
Maybe there were no real men around in his life when he was growing
up and now that he's on the inside he really doesn't know how marriage
works; it could be that he thinks sleeping around is manly and something
guys just do. Or maybe he grew up in a loveless home and got the mistaken
idea that marriage is the end of all fun. You need to ask him what his
ideas about married life are. This is the kind of information all couples
need to exchange regularly.
That said, I have a question for you: Why is your husband hanging
out at a bar? It's not good for his liver or his marriage; it's an
accident waiting to happen. What's he looking for there? If it's male
camaraderie, surely there are more constructive ways of finding it.
Perhaps you should make a point of being included in the outside
socializing; after all, everyone needs some.
How you and your husband spend time separately and together is at
the heart of marriage. It's a matter for calm discussion and joint
negotiation. You each have to be honest about your feelings and
considerate of the other. It's reasonable to make room for solo
activities--but also to expect that those activities not put either one
of you in situations that could jeopardize your relationship.
If you're not happy about him socializing at a bar, it's your
responsibility to tell him so; you might tell him that it not only puts
him in the direct line of fire with other women, it makes you feel uneasy
and unloved. It could be that your husband really has no clue how much he
is hurting your feelings.
If he doesn't respond with concern for your feelings, then there is
no relationship to save. Better to find that out sooner rather than
later, because the hurt will only grow larger when there are children you
have to protect, and that's a time when your options may be fewer.
Web Feat
I met a gentleman on the internet about six weeks ago .We are both
divorced and have been spending every possible moment together. I have
not ever had a true male companion to talk with or to make love to me,
However he does everything I have always dreamt about. I feel like I have
started to fall madly in love with him. How can I tell if he feels the
same? He has been divorced for six years and is 44. I am 38 and divorced
for two .This is the only relationship I have had since my
divorce.
Lonely
The internet is great. It literally widens the net of people
available. It allows people to meet and discover mutual interests who
might never have encountered each other in the course of their daily
lives.
But it should not steal your brain. It in no way absolves you of
the need to judge the character of a candidate for partner, observe
his/her behavior with other people and in other spheres of life, such as
the capacity to hold a job and function without drugs or alcohol, as well
as to enjoy common interests. You need to see him function in other
arenas, and to observe how he treats his children, if he has any, or
yours, and even his ex (beware of anyone who blames everything on an ex
or who is still seething with anger at an ex).
You need to bring him, slowly, into your universe and see how he
functions. Introduce him to your friends and honor their opinions of him.
And he should gradually introduce you to his world.
Tags:
bachelorette party,
betrayals,
composure,
hard evidence,
hard time,
having an affair,
internet sites,
jealous person,
mates,
possibilities,
sexual needs
