We all know that the most powerful force in our lives is love. In
addition to providing us with soul-warming companionship, the emotion of
love is truly inspiring. It's the great motivator, making life feel
effortless. It's one of the many reasons most of us wish to live in its
embrace.
Of course, the facts of our lives tell a sadder story. We have a
very hard time making love last. The divorce rate in the U.S. still
hovers around 50 percent. That figure doesn't even grapple with the many
couples who live together without marriage and whose unions are even more
apt to dissolve, bringing their own share of pain.
"Everyone wants their relationship to work," says Diane Sollee,
M.S.W. "It's a goal that every single person has. And when relationships
split apart, it's not through lack of trying."
Sollee is founder and director of Smartmarriages, an organization
dedicated to making love last. "Why are couples stuck in the swamp?" she
asks rhetorically. It's because they don't have the right information
about marriages and lack understanding of how marriages work, she
says.
"There's lots of research," she insists. "Relationships fail
because people are operating on bad information about what to expect in
marriage." What Sollee's organization does is specialize in disseminating
good information to people about how to make relationships work.
First and foremost, Sollee says, people need to realize what
marriage is and what it isn't. "People have crazy notions. They think
marriage makes you happy. Marriage makes you married. It makes you a
player in society in a different way."
Myth number two is the fantasy that everything will be wonderful as
long as you find the perfect person, your missing half, with whom you
merge. Wrong, says Sollee. Marriage is a team sport. It's one team with
two people, two people with two different minds. The beauty of it is,
it's two brains committed to going the distance together.
The difficulty is, it's two people. The misperception is that if
you find the right person, you won't disagree. But in a real marriage two
people disagree all the time, so they need to know nondestructive ways of
expressing differences, and the inevitable disappointments that come from
living with another person.
Researchers have mapped the way. At the very least, there are ways
to state disagreement. You don't lead with criticism. You don't hurl
contempt. You start with a statement of something you admire. Then you
state your request for change.
No matter how well you search for the perfect person, life always
throws some surprises. The messy fact is, people grow and change. Of
course, this is a blessing, not a curse. But it is one more piece of
proof that successful marriage hinges not on the perfect partner but on
possessing skills for, among other things, negotiating differences,
surviving change and staying in touch with each other through it
all.
That means you and your partner need discussion skills and ways to
stay updated on each other's wishes, hopes and dreams. In addition, you
both need ways to exchange new information and ideas that are impacting
your thinking as you go about life in the wider world.
Just as important is having a true roadmap of marriage, that is,
knowing at the outset that there are specific bumps on the highway and
when to expect them. For example, says Sollee, "the first two years a
couple is essentially creating a new civilization. That's when the
divorce rate is highest."
The next big bump comes with the birth of the first baby. There are
new disagreements that arise with parenting. Surprisingly, the entry of
the first child into school is the next big marriage hurdle. When report
cards are issued and brought home, it's really the relationship that's
getting evaluated: Can Johnny make friends? Can Sarah read?
It will probably come as no surprise that having an adolescent
around is the next big bump in the road. The intensity of parenting
issues goes up. So does the intensity of disagreement.
At each of these junctures you have to hunker down and shift gears.
"Marriage is not about luck," says Sollee. "It's about mastery."
And when you know you have the tools to make love last, you wind up
with energy. You gain a sense of possibility in life.
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