Mary: I didn't think I was getting through to you. I feel awful when you tell me that you'd freeze up inside. I guess I was having an impact. I was trying to get you to let me in.
Step 7. Partners are drawn together through the expression of their emotional needs
At this stage, partners are willingly available to each other, so when talking about their vulnerabilities, they're able to assure each other and soothe hurt feelings. This becomes the most emotional part of the therapeutic process as couples like Harry and Mary create a new, bonding cycle that begins to replace the old, destructive one.
Harry: I want you to give me a chance to learn how to be close to you. I can't deal with being labeled a failure. I want to let you in--I want to be close--but I need to feel safe, like you are going to give me the benefit of the doubt.
Mary: It's scary to feel lonely when you turn away. I need reassurance. If I tell you "I need some holding, some 'us' time," I want to know that you'll be there. I want to feel safe again. [In response, Harry holds her tightly.]
Step 8. Partners create new solutions to their problems
In step eight, partners share the new story of their relationship and how hard they worked to rewrite it together. Processing this experience and viewing their history in a different light allows couples to find newer, healthier ways of approaching pragmatic problems. Here we see Harry--who once ran and hid from the relationship--actively create more opportunities to bond with Mary.
Harry: We can have time together in the evening, after our kid is in bed. Let's make coffee and sit together, and if you trust me a little, I'll make us a schedule for nights out. It makes me feel good to know you need time with me.
Step 9. Partners consolidate their new positions and cycles of behavior
After months of work, it's vital that the couple continues to remember what first got them off track and how they found their way back. Without reassessing this process, maintaining this new cycle will lose importance and ultimately lead to a relapse. As Harry and Mary reflect on their therapy experience, both clearly see how they first became distressed and what they did to repair the relationship.
Harry: It was when I got promoted that it all started. I needed to prove myself to everybody. I did get immersed in work, but now when I hear that tone in your voice I remember how much you need me, and I want to reassure you: I am here, Mary. I know we can do this now. We're learning to trust each other again. It's like we are finding the "us" we had when we got married. We still fight sometimes, but these close times make all the difference.
For the right people, EFT can work magic. In less than four months, it brought Katie and Mike Martin back from the brink of divorce. "We discovered that our marriage was built on these ludicrous underlying assumptions," Katie says now. "Mike had this sense of entitlement and believed I should be there for him no matter what. I, coming from a dysfunctional family, believed I wasn't worthy of more consideration than that. When we realized how off our perceptions were, we giggled about it."
More important than the levity these revelations brought were the changes that grew out of them. Mike cut back on his office hours and is enjoying spending more time with Katie. And they don't feel childish, as they had before, when asking each other for "close time." "We've learned not to sacrifice intimacy for independence," Katie concludes. "One of the greatest joys of marriage is discovering how much we need each other."
Sadly, for some couples it may be too late. EFT is not designed for people who have tried unsuccessfully to reconnect for so long that they've already mourned the lost relationship and become completely detached. It's also not appropriate for abusive relationships. But if, despite your obstacles, you still desire to make your relationship work, I encourage you to see an EFT-trained therapist.
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