How to Save Your Relationship

Guidelines for reconnecting and bringing relationships back to life.

By Susan Johnson, Aviva Patz, published on March 01, 2003 - last reviewed on August 13, 2009

To better understand how EFT works, it's instructive to see it in action. Take the story of Mary and Harry, married seven years, with one child. Both are managers by profession, but they expressed that they were puzzled by their inability to "manage" their marriage. They said they had lost a sense of intimacy and were no longer making love. In addition, Mary had discovered "very friendly" e-mails to her husband from a female colleague of his. Although Harry wasn't having an affair, Mary was distraught at the thought of her husband sharing more with this woman than he was with her. Both spouses were thinking about splitting up. But the key snippets of conversations below demonstrate how EFT helped restore their connection.

Step 1. Partners lay their problems on the table

Describing a recent fight in detail often helps partners begin to identify core problems. Most couples fight about pragmatic issues--laundry or paying bills, for instance--but it's the emotional needs underlying these tiffs that need attention. The following conversation between Mary and Harry illustrates their negative pattern of communication as the two argue about Harry's reaction to her frequent mood swings: As she complains, he gets defensive and withdraws.

Mary: He doesn't care about anything but work. He has a love affair with his computer. I've had enough. I don't even know who he is anymore. [To Harry] You never reach for me! Am I supposed to do all the work in this relationship?

Harry: You are so difficult. I try to talk to you, and all I get is how I can never do anything right. It's always the same: You're angry, and you lecture me a thousand times a day, so I guess I do go downstairs to my computer.

Step 2. Partners recognize the cycle that's keeping them distant and try to identify the needs and fears that are fueling that cycle

As couples more carefully explore the underlying source of their arguments, they begin to realize that the enemy is not the partner but the unhealthy behaviors in their relationship. In this step, couples use nonevaluative language to uncover any fears they might have--of rejection, say, or failure--which are driving the relationship dynamic. In the following exchange, note how Harry and Mary are beginning to explore each other's motivations.

Harry [to me]: Yes, I do turn away. I try to move away from the message that I'm a big disappointment, and the more I move away, the madder she gets. Maybe she feels like she is losing me.

Mary: I feel you've gone off to another land. So, I bang on the door louder, trying to get your attention, trying to tell you we need to do something.

Step 3. Partners articulate the emotions behind their behavior

At this point, my role is to help both partners understand and clearly explain what's driving their behaviors, while ensuring that the other is also gaining an accurate understanding. Below, Mary realizes that she's not really angry with Harry but frantic to gain his affection. Harry realizes that he withdraws not because he doesn't want to be with Mary but because he doesn't want to be criticized or face his fear that their marriage is in danger.

Mary: I start to feel really desperate. That's what you don't hear. If I can't get you to respond, well...[she throws up her hands in a show of defeat].

Harry: I shut down just to get away from the message that I am so disappointing. I can't let it in; it's upsetting. In a way, it's terrifying, so I move away and hope you will calm down.

Step 4. Partners realize they're both hurting and that neither is to blame

As the couple begins to see the negative dynamic as the source of their problems, they become more aware of their own needs for attachment, as well as those of their partner. Armed with empathy, partners can now approach their problems with a less combative mind-set. In the following exchange, Mary and Harry begin to see the cycle as a common enemy and discover new hope for the future.

Mary: The more desperate I get, the more I push; and the more scared you get, the more you shut down.

Harry: Maybe it's that we both get scared. I never knew you were so scared of losing me. I never knew you needed me that much.

Mary: Maybe we can step out of this, if we try it together.

Step 5. Partners identify and admit their hurts and fears

At this stage, my role becomes even more integral. Their honesty makes them feel increasingly vulnerable, and my job is to encourage and support them and to help them remain responsive to each other. In this exchange, Harry and Mary risk expressing their deepest feelings.

Harry: I don't know how to tell you how deep the pit is that I go into when I hear that I have failed, that I can't make it with you. I freeze. I shut down.

Mary: I never saw that you were hurting. I guess I saw you as calm and in control, almost indifferent, like you didn't need me at all, and that is the loneliest feeling in the world. There is no "us." I am alone.

Step 6. Partners begin to acknowledge and accept the other's feelings and their own new responses to those feelings

After years of believing a partner's behavior indicates one thing, it's difficult to accept that it actually means another. In step six, couples learn to trust these newly revealed motivations and, in turn, experience new reactions to these motivations. Note how Harry and Mary now listen to each other and exhibit mutual compassion.

Harry: I never saw how small you felt. I guess you were screaming for me when I saw you screaming at me. I don't want you to feel small and alone.