It was Mike Martin's affair that finally led him and his wife,
Katie, to my office for couples counseling. But the betrayal was a
symptom of a deeper problem in their 19-year marriage. "He felt like he
wasn't getting his emotional needs met at home," says Katie, 45, a
teacher in Richmond, Virginia. "Maybe that's because he was never here!
He was a workaholic and didn't come home until midnight every night--for
years." When Katie told Mike she wanted to spend more time together, he
would pull out his calendar and say, "How's lunch next Thursday?" Katie
recalls. "I felt neglected and over time I withdrew emotionally. Between
his not being there in person and my not being there in spirit, we just
stopped being able to get close."
The Martins were perfect candidates for EFT, an approach to marital
counseling that seeks to re-create a sense of connection between
partners. Unlike the traditional cognitive-behavioral approach, which
focuses on teaching communication skills, EFT hinges on getting partners
to recognize that they're both emotionally dependent on the other for
love, comfort, support and protection, much like a child depends on a
parent. In my sessions with couples, we get to the heart of the matter:
the need for emotional security. Because without that security, asking
troubled couples to trust and confide in each other is like asking people
standing at the edge of a cliff and staring down a 2,000-foot drop to use
their skills of listening and empathy--they can't, because they're too
busy feeling afraid.
While a doctoral student at York University in Toronto, I began
working with British psychologist Les Greenberg, Ph.D., in designing EFT
based on attachment theory, which was developed 50 years ago by
psychiatrist John Bowlby. Through his observations, Bowlby concluded that
everyone has an innate yearning for trust and security, or attachment.
Children need to feel attached to a parent; adults need to feel attached
to another adult, usually a romantic partner. And when those we're
attached to can't respond to our needs--maybe one partner is emotionally
unavailable, say--we become anxious and fearful or numb and distant,
which sets up dangerous patterns of interaction.
The Martins' situation is a case in point. Their toxic pattern, one
of the most common, involves a wife who criticizes and becomes
contemptuous toward her husband, while he distances himself. "I would
tell Mike, 'I need you to be around more,' and I meant, 'I miss you,'"
Katie explains. "But because of the irritation in my voice, he would
hear, 'I am disappointed in you.'"
Patterns like this, which may eventually superimpose themselves
onto every element of the relationship, often create a slippery slope to
divorce. Recent research by relationship guru John Gottman, Ph.D.,
confirms that it's often emotional distance--not conflict--that
determines whether a relationship will flourish or begin to disintegrate.
After all, every couple fights, but as long as partners can connect
emotionally, their relationship should remain healthy. This same notion
was also recently supported by Sandra Murray, Ph.D., at the University at
Buffalo, State University of New York. Murray's study, published in the
Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, found that partners who
feel well-regarded by their mates better handle the occasional hurts that
occur in their relationships. So rather than pulling away or lashing out
in defense, a confident partner instead draws the offending mate closer
to protect the relationship's solidity.
The goal of EFT, therefore, is to help partners feel securely
connected by fostering feelings of safety, accessibility and
responsiveness. Once in this safe haven, partners are more capable of
handling difficult feelings. They more easily process information, deal
with ambiguity and see the other's perspective. They also send clearer
messages and are better at collaborative problem solving. In truth, most
distressed couples already have good communication skills--they get along
very nicely with other loved ones and co-workers--they just can't apply
those skills in their relationship. But if they have a solid emotional
connection, if they feel loved, they'll naturally use the skills they
already possess.
Although it's easy for some to dismiss the idea of emotional
dependence as antiquated--particularly for women in this post-feminist
era--there's no arguing with EFT's success rates. Between 70 and 75
percent of couples report being happy with each other again after
undergoing EFT, compared with only 35 percent among those who try
cognitive-behavioral counseling. The number of people who experience
"significant improvement" is above 90 percent. The dropout rate?
Negligible.
So how does EFT go about rebuilding intimacy? It's a nine-step
treatment that can take anywhere from eight to 20 sessions. The first
four steps involve helping partners recognize that the problem is not
their individual personalities per se, but the negative cycle of
communication in which they're stuck. In the next three steps, the
therapist works with couples to promote sharing, soothing and bonding,
before helping the couple incorporate those acts into everyday life in
the last two steps. This final process of showing couples how to keep
their connection alive can help prevent relapse.
