T
he Guys Weigh In
I am a 36 year old guy living in France with my French
girlfriend for the last 11 years. We now have two children, ages 5 and
3. I have not loved my wife for a long time now, and if it wasn't for
the kids I would be long gone. We don't fight or anything, although I
have tried to break up many times before. As far as the kids are
concerned their world is a wonderful place. They have no idea that
their Daddy is acting out a part. My girlfriend has mentioned many
times an engagement ring. However I know and have known for many years
that I could never marry her. I probably just lack courage to make and
carry out the hardest decision of my life so far. But I just have to
think of the kids and it becomes impossible for me to leave. Only I can
make the decision, but I would really love to know about other people
who are or have been in my position.
I talked to men who have been in your exact position and here's
what they said. “The guy is looking for someone to make decisions
for him. He avoids confrontation. He is a wuss for going along with
cohabitation and making kids. Unless she is catatonic, she must have some
idea by now that he isn't `there,' probably why she wants marriage.
Sometimes hard decisions are required. He must accept his ongoing
responsibilities to the children. He should consult local
counsel.”
Another male: “He brought children into the world with her,
not one but two. If he is going to leave he should do it sooner rather
than later. But he must support the children as if he were
there.”
I think my guy friends have a point. But I would suggest talking
calmly to your wife in private and confiding your feelings before you do
anything else. Any decision on your future as a couple deserves to be
made jointly, even a decision to separate. She may well feel angry and
betrayed, but you need to recognize the legitimacy of her feelings and
the difficult position you have both put yourselves in. Whether you stay
or go, you are and remain one of the two most important people in your
children's lives, which is why deciding to become a parent should never
be by default.
How Can I Stop?
How can I stop caring....
that my butt is too big, my boobs are too small,
whether people like me or not,
for the man who doesn't want me,
that I'm not 20 anymore,
that the wrinkles are coming. I could go on and on and
on.
Angie
I suspect that the core problem is the man who doesn't want you.
Being rejected is a powerful negative experience that undermines your
sense of self and makes you question everything about you. Don't even try
to stop caring about him, or about your butt, or your age, or your face.
Just pick yourself up, dust yourself off and start caring about other
things, especially other people, and doing other things. If there aren't
enough suitable people in your life as it is, get into activities that
attract them. Join a hiking club. Volunteer in a local soup kitchen.
Learn swing-dancing or take up the tango.
Everybody experiences rejection at some point. Assess the
experience realistically (was he really suitable, a person of good
character? What most attracted you to him?) and figure out what you could
do better next time. Do realize that rejection often has more to do with
the situation than with you. it's not the fact of rejection that
distinguishes popular from unpopular people. It's how they move on after
it.
Tags:
children,
divorce,
engagement ring,
exact position,
family,
french girlfriend,
guy friends,
hard decisions,
living in france,
long time,
relationship,
self esteem,
world is a wonderful place,
wuss
