Advice: Helplessness Can Drive You Crazy

That sense of helplessness, however, often frustrates—and even enrages—family and friends, who wish the depressed person could "snap out of it" and "get on with life." But relaying that message typically boomerangs. Here are some tips for people in your position.

• Don't criticize what he or she is doing wrong. Do talk about what can be done differently or better.
• Don't assume you have either something or nothing to do with the problem. Do check if there is some way you're contributing to the problem.
• Don't curtail discussions of depressed feelings. Do know your limits in helping to share the burden.
• Don't baby the person and treat him or her as "sick." Do encourage him or her to do things for him or herself.
• Don't dissuade the person from getting help. Do assist with finding a good therapist, even participating in treatment.
• Don't condescend. Do be tolerant.
• Don't probe too much. Do probe enough.
• Don't ignore symptoms. Do discuss them and present them clearly to a clinician.
• Don't give up. Do persist and try different approaches.
• Don't let him or her stop going places and doing things. Do keep him or her active in living life.
• Don't let someone else's depression become your life focus. Do maintain your own quality of life.

It's hard when a loved one is depressed. You want to rescue and protect them. But all you can really do is love and support them, and keep an eye on life together after depression.

Not Ready for Therapy?

I'm deeply concerned about my 15-year-old son, my only child. He is so obviously unhappy it brings tears to my eyes watching him struggle with life. He's always been a sensitive child; my divorce from his father when he was 10 didn't help. He doesn't seem to be into drugs. But when I try to talk to him he dismisses me with "leave me alone" or "you wouldn't understand." I've suggested he see a therapist since he apparently feels he can't talk to his mother about whatever is bothering him, but he refuses help. What should I do?

Pushing a child—or anyone—to get help when he or she doesn't want it is a very difficult situation, and there is no easy answer. The person can defeat your best efforts simply by doing nothing.

Interactions on this issue must be free of anger or conflict. Mandating "I want you to see a shrink!" invites rebellion. A better approach is to be more empathetic: "I see you hurting and I want to help. I don't know what to do, though. Can we talk to someone who does?"

Choose a time when interactions are friendlier, rather than in mid-argument. Go out of your way to create times when talking is possible, such as driving together in the car. Better yet, do an activity together where the focus is not each other. It's often easier to get a teen to open up when the focus is on a shared task.

Having had decent communication all along is best, of course. To expect a child to open up when you haven't talked intimately in months or years may be unrealistic.

Another option is to find significant others in the child's life—teacher, school counselor, friend's parent—who can step in and encourage discussion of problems. Remember, even angry, sulking adolescents don't want their negative feelings to persist. You can communicate the desire for things to improve, offer support for their feelings and needs and impart the wisdom that "doing more of the same makes no sense."

As a concerned parent you can and perhaps even should participate in the treatment. Allow variations, though. Your adolescent may prefer to start with you present and then have you leave, once he is comfortable with the therapist.

No child or adolescent wants to feel different or crazy. Much of the resistance to getting help comes from the misperception that getting help implies there is something fundamentally wrong with them. If, however, you stay focused on what's going wrong that is correctable, and you make it easy for your child to get help without having to explain everything to you, you may get a better response to your suggestions for getting help.