Advice Column: Answers to difficult questions

An alcoholic boyfriend; a husband's new female friend.

By Hara Estroff Marano, published on April 15, 2003

D eserving Better

I dearly love my 38 year old alcoholic boyfriend, as he me. Besides the three quarts of beer he consumes nightly—20 12-oz. cans when he doesn't have work the next day—he has very little to do with wanting a sexual relationship. He says he does not like sex; I feel he has a low sex drive due to constant beer drinking since age 14. As a child he was sexually molested/abused by his dad. He has a heart of gold and is always doing good deeds to those in need.

When we have sex, he only performs the act for 15 minutes. Though he does satisfy me, he refuses to touch my erogenous zone, which he calls dirty or nasty. He is totally detached emotionally and shuns all affection I try bestowing. I know he masturbates—it is “quick” not “messy.”

I have been to a counselor and therapist and have only been asked, “Why do you stay with him?” He and I enjoy the same music/foods/movies/concerts/plays/weekend getaways. It's amazing we have so much in common since I am 24 years older. We have genuine respect for each other and never quarrel. I feel we both have been hurt enough in our life. I had two disastrous marriages, one lasting 10 years, until I divorced him; the second lasting 31 years, until he passed away March 2002. Both husbands abused me physically/verbally. My boyfriend is always cool, calm and collected.

Can he be taught to love?

RS-D.

I'm definitely not going to ask why you stay. I have a different question: why do you think you don't deserve better? And here's another: What beliefs do you have about yourself that draw you to men who can't give you sex, affection and respect in one package? You had two abusive marriages and now you're hooking up with a guy who's rarely conscious (all that alcohol) and shuns closeness. It's a new (for you) variation on the theme of dishonoring yourself.

Your boyfriend is repeating with you the truth about sex as he so brutally learned it; touching erogenous zones was indeed “nasty.” Beer is his first love because he can always count on it, unlike the adults in his life who were supposed to protect him but failed miserably. This is a deeply wounded human being.

Your empathy and concern for him are admirable, but they can't power an adult relationship, which can only be based on mutual affection, respect and support. Emphasis on mutual.

Perhaps he can be taught to love, but his liver and brain may give out before then. If he stops drinking, the pain he's running from will come crashing down on him—but only then can he seek out more constructive ways of dealing with it. It's not easy and he could benefit from good professional help and especially the support of other men, as in a men's group.

Keep him as a friend, if you wish. But throw away the Viagra. There is no drug in the world that can counteract the deadening effect of three to six quarts of beer. Alcohol is a central nervous system depressant. It has effects on sex hormones. It kills liver and brain cells.

Stop paying so much attention to this shadow of a relationship and start respecting your own needs.

Just Friends?

I have been married 25 year. My husband has been talking to a woman and says they are just friends. He knows how uncomfortable it makes me feel. This is third time I have found her number. on his phone and says there is nothing going on. He says he still loves me and no one else. Am I stupid or what for staying? My heart can't take it any more and this is my last time or should I just quit now?

You are not stupid for staying in a marriage that has apparently had its share of good years, but it would be wise to consider some questions now. Has your husband ever had a conversation with his friend in your presence? Has he ever introduced her to you or attempted to bring you into the friendship? Is this friend married (not that being married is any guarantee of fidelity, after all; but if she's single and living alone it could raise your level of suspicion to, perhaps, orange alert).

If they're just friends, then there is no reason for him to be keeping his conversations with her secret from you or to keep the friendship to himself. Most partners like to share good things, like a friendship, or at least information about them. That's what makes for a great relationship; you each enrich the other by sharing accounts of individual experiences.

A few other questions you might ask yourself: Just what prompted you to go looking for a number? Were there other elements of his behavior that aroused your suspicion that something was going on? Are there chunks of your husband's time that are unaccounted for?

And save yourself the heartache of getting into a pitched battle with your husband over his “friend.” Instead find a quiet time to ask him how he would like to make your relationship better so that he feels free to share his deepest thoughts with you and not with someone on the outside.