Coping with losing a loved one is one of life's great difficulties. Bereavement experts continually gather data to help us
better understand the particulars of grief. And if you have lived through
the pain of mourning, you know that any way to ease that pain is a
welcome thing. While many areas of the topic have been studied, it's
important to note that there are individual patterns of grieving.
Grief has long been broken down into stages. One cycle made famous
by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross, M.D., uses the stages of denial, anger,
bargaining, depression and acceptance. But researchers have shown that
stages don't always apply. Camille Wortman, Ph.D., and Roxane Cohen
Silver, Ph.D., found several individual patterns. For example, some
people suffer interminable grief, and others show no distress at
all.
In fact, avoiding grief sometimes helps recovery. George Bonanno,
Ph.D., of Columbia University, found that those who repressed grief were
psychologically and physically healthier six and 14 months after their
losses than others who grieved more. Although that's a surprising
discovery, it's not to be confused with denial.
The recovery period can also vary widely. While some people recover
in a year, there are those who find the second year to be much worse.
According to Theresa Rando, Ph.D., of the Institute for the Study and
Treatment of Loss, people who suffer abrupt loss can find the second year
of bereavement harder than the first. When a person dies suddenly, the
mourner learns the reality of their loss by having the need for the loved
one repeatedly frustrated. These people may enter a state of shock that
delays recovery, often for extended lengths of time.
Even when male and female grievers are compared, there are patterns
and differences. A University of Kentucky survey found that men
grieve in a way that does not seem like grieving. While women talk and
cry, men think and act. Men, for example, often mourn the death of their
fathers by taking action. When 46-year-old Neil Mose's father died, Mose
took up the martial art wing chun. His father practiced the art every
morning at dawn, and Mose learned to do the same.
Regardless of method, any means of easing the pain is appreciated,
seeing as one-third of grieving individuals suffer detrimental physical
or mental effects, according to the British Medical Journal (BMJ). From
depression to anxiety and impaired immune response to heart disease, the
potential effects are many and varied. Even something as simple as
disrupted sleep can weaken the system. University of Pittsburgh
researchers, for example, revealed that disrupted sleep in elderly
mourners decreases levels of natural killer cells, which help destroy
illness-causing agents.
Indeed, it's vital to take note of the many findings that help
quell grieving. There is research, for example, focusing on loss and
spirituality. Quite plainly, when and if people do find meaning in the
loss, they are better able to cope than those who do not. According to
Holly Prigerson, Ph.D., of Yale University, "Bereaved individuals who
relied on religion to cope generally used outpatient services less
frequently."
Her study, which appeared in the International Journal of Psychiatry in Medicine, is one of many in this area. In a similar BMJ
study, researchers found that people who have strong spiritual beliefs
seem to resolve grief more rapidly and completely than those with no
beliefs.
Here are helpful tips if you are assisting a grieving
friend:
-
Don't force your method of grieving: Respect what the person
wants.
-
Avoid minimizing the loss: Never tell the person to "get over
it."
-
Be a better listener: Be aware of your feelings; and know you
can't solve the problem.
-
Be with the mourner: You just have to be there with the
person.
