Stay or Leave?
I have a Masters degree in Engineering and Business, have worked
close to 30 years, moved seven times, been laid off twice in the past 18
months and have been jobless for seven months. My relationship with my
wife is almost nonexistent, with her focusing almost exclusively on our
three wonderful kids. We have no quiet time together. Within a week of
being laid off the last time, my wife announced we should divorce.
Although it may be emotionally best for both of us, I felt it needed to
be shelved until I find work again, which is proving to be no small task.
Struggling to sort my life out--everything seems to be intertwined and
there do not appear to be any logical answers--I have spun myself into a
downward spiral of depression and weight gain, not to mention loss of
self esteem. If I widen my search out of state, I feel divorce is
inevitable; neither of us wants to move the kids (15, 13, 11) again. If I
stay where we are, the cost of living will soon devastate us financially.
My wife is working two part time jobs and I am looking into a career
change, perhaps teaching. Deep down I still love my wife but find myself
wanting to explore other relationships. But I can't handle my own life
right now, so I know I can't be there for someone else. How do I get
myself out of the downward spiral so I can aggressively pursue a
reasonable life, and should I go it alone? I feel that to end a marriage
under the current situation is a cop out and would be running away,
although it is senseless to stay in a marriage without any caring. Doing
it for the kids, no matter how much I love them, just doesn't work for me
anymore.
Guy
It's hard enough on one's sense of self to be out of work, much
harder to do it while emotionally isolated in your own home. Small wonder
that your mood and self-esteem are plummeting and you're looking for
comfort from food. But you'll have much more energy and motivation for
the tasks you face if you exercise even 10 minutes each day--force
yourself to go out for a short walk, even in the cold.
Then it is imperative to move on two fronts at once. You must
explore all job options, local and out of state, and keep slogging at it
until you are lucky enough to face a decision on whether to accept. One
job offer can do a lot for your motivation.--and your marriage.
Your wife may have turned all her attention to the kids because
they were a source of stability while you were focused elsewhere.
Remember, she is pitching in financially. So perhaps you can woo her back
emotionally. Try. Given her workload you can best advance the cause via
some caring moves that make her life easier--fixing dinner, giving a
massage, taking on some household chores. Be sure to carve out some
private time. Your children still need some supervision but can
understand their parents' need for time alone together--and may even have
some good suggestions on how everyone can pitch in during this difficult
period. Mobilize the resources you have!!
Regret and Forgiveness
I am 33 years old, and have struggled with my weight/appearance
since my early 20s. My problem with dieting is the sense of REGRET I feel
about all the years I could have looked good and didn't. How do I handle
this? I have been told many times that "the past is in the past", yet
that doesn't help me to overcome those feelings of loss and regret.
HELP!
Miranda
Wouldn't life be so simple if the past were simply in the past! The
fact is, we carry the past into the present and the future, because it
has indelibly stamped our mindset, most often without our
awareness.
Here are a couple of other facts. One is that being human affords
us the opportunity to constantly evolve and grow, so give yourself credit
for moving forward. Another is that we are not victims; we are really
powerful creatures capable of creating the successes and failures in our
own lives. You now are struggling with the awareness that you have always
had the power to change your life. Hence the feelings of regret.
Once you recognize that the power to change was in you all along,
take the next step towards self-love. Forgive yourself for the
limitations you chose to place on yourself earlier in your life.
Start by owning your own mistakes. Then reach for an understanding
of why you might have earlier chosen to hold yourself back. Often we have
been taught by family or concluded from life experiences that we are
unworthy of success, or that struggle is inevitable. Ask yourself what
was I taught about being lovable? About being powerful and responsible
for my life?
Then forgive yourself for having chosen unwisely in the past.
Consciously create better methods for getting what you want. Then you can
enjoy your new success.
Tags:
career change,
cop,
cost of living,
current situation,
downward spiral,
last time,
masters degree,
part time jobs,
quiet time,
self esteem,
sense of self,
seven months,
seven times,
small wonder
