D
eadly Secret
After being married for almost 14 years I just found out that my
husband had a son 24 years ago. The child was adopted by another couple
after neither my husband nor his girlfriend at the time took care of the
child appropriately. The boy committed suicide at the age of 19, about 5
years ago. My husband had some contact with his child since the adoption.
I am very hurt by the fact that my husband never told me about his son.
When I ask him why, he just says it's because he didn't want to upset me.
Well, it upset me that he could keep such a secret from me, including the
death of his child. I can't let this pass without some kind of resolution
of my feelings. I bared my soul to this man. I can't believe he is so far
removed from me emotionally. What can I do?
Laurie
That's quite a secret and there are many reasons to be angry and
upset; not the least, I hope, is sadness at the tragic loss and empathy
for the pain the boy must have felt. And the lack of care-what a
statement it makes about the person you love; it must distress you deeply
and make you wonder what kind of a person your husband really is.
To discover a secret of this magnitude-that your partner has had a
whole other life and one that involved the death of another human
being-is truly traumatic. It will take some time and effort to work
through the many upsets. That's a chore, an essential one, for the two of
you, much like repairing the damage after infidelity. Neither one of you
can sweep this under the rug. You now have reason to distrust the person
you live with, and distrust is corrosive; unless your husband helps you
rebuild your sense of trust in him, the distrust will eat right through
your marriage.
The reason your husband is so far removed from you emotionally is
that he is so far removed from himself emotionally. If he is halfway
human he must have highly complicated feelings about this major
experience of his life-about keeping the secret from you, about his care
as a father, about his lack of participation in his son's life, about the
tragedy of loss. If he is halfway human he must feel some guilt and
shame. Hopefully he has deep regrets and remorse. These feelings are
probably far too huge, too confusing and too uncomfortable for him to
talk about, or perhaps even recognize, which is probably why he has kept
it a secret all this time.
You both definitely need good professional help with this, and the
sooner the better.
My Husband Made Me Do It
I feel very eager to work out and diet. But, my husband drives me
crazy and causes me to eat. I really don't know what to do or how to
handle my problem. Every time we argue I want to forget about everything,
so I sit down and eat.
Carmen
First, let's make it clear. Your husband doesn't cause you to eat.
You cause yourself to eat because you haven't stopped to figure out
something better to do in a moment of emotional pain.
You also have to figure out what feelings you're trying to ignore
by eating rather than deal with directly. But let me assure you, food
doesn't make any problems go away.
You have an argument with your husband and it upsets you; perhaps
it makes you angry or frustrated or fearful of what might happen to your
marriage in the future. Food is always going to be there to comfort you,
probably very nearby. Unfortunately, the core problem and resulting
feelings remain unaddressed. You then compound the difficulty by stuffing
your face; you wind up liking yourself less, which subtly puts you at a
disadvantage in the relationship by influencing your own state of
mind.
Some short-term suggestions. Make a list of other things in your
life you can do besides eating that make you feel good, and put whatever
equipment is required in a very handy place so you can resort to a better
source of comfort in a moment of crisis. Maybe it's going out for a
half-hour walk. Or working out in your room with the door closed. Or
calling a friend. These are things that truly nourish you. They also help
clarify the mind.
For the long term, you have to learn how, and probably when, to
talk to your husband about anything. If you don't like the way he talks
to you, you must tell him. Do it kindly; tell him that when he talks to
you like that it makes you feel unloved and scares you. And then
reschedule the problem-solving part of the conversation for a time when
you can both talk reasonably.
Have you given any thought to why he is so willing to drive you
crazy? What in the relationship isn't working for him? What is he feeling
resentful about? If you think about the relationship from his
perspective, you may just be able to have a conversation that solves
problems instead of one in which you inflict pain on each other.
Tags:
24 years,
advice,
committed suicide,
family,
food,
girlfriend,
husband,
magnitude,
suicide,
tragic loss,
will take some time
