H
ow To Get What You Want
I've been married for over two years to a man I dated mostly long
distance for three years. Only after we married did I discover that he
has the
worstpersonal hygiene habits—and I'm too
embarrassed to mention it in front of him. He showers infrequently,
hardly ever brushes his teeth before bed and wears dirty underwear. He
does not look like the person I describe. He wears his shirts
superstarched, is clean-shaven and very handsome. He also has a heart of
gold. He functions in society just fine but his home habits are really
affecting our marriage. Last night I flat out told him that he stinks and
that I couldn't stand the thought of sleeping next to him unless he
cleaned himself up. He told me I was mean. I guess the two days a week I
saw him when we were dating were his bath days. I can't imagine the rest
of my life like this.
Clean Wife to a Dirty Man
You're right; your husband needs to make some changes on the
hygiene front. But you need to clean up your act too. Storing up
disappointment until it erupts as disgust—name-calling or telling
someone “you stink”—is no way to encourage the change
that you seek.
For whatever reason, your husband has a blind spot about the impact
of his habits on others. As his teammate and intimate partner, you have
an obligation to clue him in, give him regular feedback—kindly,
maybe even humorously—and tell him what you would like him to do
instead. What's so puzzling is your willingness to sacrifice your
marriage to your embarrassment about tooth-brush talk. No relationship
can work unless both partners speak up about their needs and/or
expectations. If you don't speak up, your husband can't possibly meet
your standards. He is not a mind reader. Then you get disappointed at him
for not having met your (unstated) needs and lash out in a hurtful
way.
Always begin a request for change with an appreciation of something
you like about your partner. Maybe one night when the two of you are
getting ready for bed you can try something like: “Honey, I know
you always look fabulous in public but unless you shower and brush your
teeth more often you don't smell so fabulous in private, and that keeps
me from getting as close to you at night as I would like. If you could do
x, y and z that would make a big difference in our life.” Or buy
him a nice red toothbrush and some special shower soap for Valentine's
day and gift wrap them with your own special instructions for use,
preferably written in verse.
Working Up for Working Out
How can I get motivated to work out. I want to lose at least 40
pounds. I will be in a wedding in April. But I can't seem to get
motivated. I have the will power. Am I missing something?
Toni
Yes—the steps that will actually move you towards what you
want. The desire to lose 40 pounds by April is just a big wish until you
convert it to a goal by planning in detail the specific actions that will
carry you into the sweaty reality of huffing and puffing. The first step
in getting motivated is to settle on a specific workout activity or
routine that you like (walking? floor exercises? dance routine?
bicycling?).
Then get specific in your plans about what you are going to do
(four sets of 25 sit-ups followed by 25 jumping jacks? running for half
an hour? riding a stationary bicycle for 45 minutes?), where are you
going to do it (your bedroom? the basement? outdoors?) and exactly when
you will do it (first thing in the morning after brushing your teeth?
when you get home from work? at 8 p.m. while you are watching TV?).
Whatever activity you choose, you then have to set up your habitat in
such a way as to make it happen. Say your plan calls for riding a
stationary bicycle for 45 minutes while watching TV in the morning, At
the end of each day make sure that the bike is in place for you to ride
it the next day. Put your workout clothes where you can reach for them
without effort, or drape them over the television set so that you can't
turn on the TV without encountering them. Structuring your surroundings
to facilitate your goal is what keeps you motivated until exercise gets
less difficult and more enjoyable to do. If for some reason you miss a
day, climb right back on the wagon and pick up again the next day. Don't
fall into the mental trap of thinking all is lost; it isn't.
