The perfect picture of a balanced
childhood, one in which our kids go to school, do a little homework and play fort, is a myth for many youngsters. More and more children, like adults, are involved in far too many activities.
Nine-year-old Kevin* was anxious, having trouble sleeping and complaining that he was tired all the time. A medical exam revealed no physical problems, so the pediatrician suggested his mother talk to a psychologist. When we met, I asked about Kevin's schedule. His mother told me that, in addition to school, he was involved in three team sports, church activities, scouts and had piano lessons twice a week. Finding nothing else to explain the child's symptoms, I suggested his stressful schedule might be the cause.
His mother looked at me as though I were crazy. "Give me a break," she said. "Kevin doesn't have any stress. He loves everything he's doing." She, too, was under pressure. She worked full-time, and because her husband's job required him to travel, she was responsible for most of the household chores and child care. Yet despite her own grueling schedule, she had enrolled Kevin in a dizzying number of extracurricular activities. "My parents never did anything with me," she explained. "So I want Kevin to know I'm there for him. No matter what it takes, he's going to have a good childhood."
But Kevin wasn't having a good childhood. He was overscheduled and on the brink of clinical depression. When I talked to him on his own, he confided that he missed playing with his friends in the neighborhood. They used to ride bikes, have water-balloon fights and build forts out of cardboard boxes. Now there wasn't time for those activities. "I really like being in sports and everything," he said. "But not all that much."
Kevin is not unusual. Millions of children across America feel overwhelmed and pressured. Alvin Rosenfeld, M.D., a child psychiatrist and author of The Over-Scheduled Child: Avoiding the Hyper-Parenting Trap, believes that enrolling children in too many activities is a nationwide problem. "Overscheduling our children is not only a widespread phenomenon, it's how we parent today," he says. "Parents feel remiss that they're not being good parents if their kids aren't in all kinds of activities. Children are under pressure to achieve, to be competitive. I know sixth-graders who are already working on their resume's so they'll have an edge when they apply for college."
Other child experts echo Rosenfeld's concerns. Andre Aelion Brooks, author and former New York Times journalist, was one of the first to call attention to the overscheduled child. For her book Children of Fast-Track Parents she interviewed 80 mental health professionals and educators, in addition to 60 parents and some 100 children. Brooks concluded that exposing children to extracurricular activities too early is not necessarily a good idea. Some children are not able to function well with so many responsibilities and can develop stress disorders.
"Middle-class children in America are so overscheduled that they have almost no 'nothing time.' They have no time to call on their own resources and be creative. Creativity is making something out of nothing, and it takes time for that to happen," says Diane Ehrensaft, Ph.D., a developmental and clinical psychologist and professor at The Wright Institute in Berkeley, California. "In our efforts to produce Renaissance children who are competitive in all areas, we squelch creativity."
Early-childhood-education specialist Peggy Patten, M.A., agrees and notes that children today have many wonderful opportunities, but they need time to explore things in depth. When they are involved in too many different things, they sacrifice breadth for depth.
"Many children today don't have time to breathe. Parents think their kids will grow up and remember all the wonderful activities they were involved in," adds Melanie Coughlin, M.A., a licensed marriage and family therapist and adjunct professor at California's Pepperdine University. Coughlin, who counsels parents and children in private practice, thinks children "will remember how exhausted they were and how their parents were constantly yelling at them to hurry up and get ready for the next activity."
Stress: Is It Always a Bad Thing?
Stress is a natural response that occurs when we are threatened or overwhelmed. Imagine you are on safari and an elephant charges you at full speed. Your body would react with what has been called the "fight-flight" response. Your heart rate shoots up, adrenaline floods your bloodstream, your muscles tense and you learn that you can run a lot faster than you thought. Such an experience would be intensely stressful, but your body's response would be normal and might even save your life.
Even in ordinary situations, stress is not always bad. Hans Selye, M.D., one of the pioneers in stress research, believed that moderate amounts of stress are actually good for us. He described two kinds of stress: eustress and distress. Eustress is the pleasant stress we feel when we confront the normal challenges of life. A child who enjoys soccer, for example, may thrive on the pressure associated with practice and games. Distress, on the other hand, occurs when we feel overwhelmed. The same child who thrives on soccer may become overwhelmed if he is also involved in four or five other activities.
What Johnny Is Missing
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