They barely know each other, but the intent is that, through counseling and other methods, they'll soon be deeply in love. They'll be counseled by some of the top relationship experts in the world, including Dr. Howard Markman and Mars/Venus guru Dr. John Gray, and renowned experts on love have signed on as advisors. Epstein will be conducting some serious research along the way and, ultimately, hopes to shed new light on obtaining lasting 'love' in our lives.
Psychology Today will be following this unfolding story—or romance? —online from start to finish, with online diaries, answers to your questions, and more.
A question & answer session with Dr. Robert Epstein on the "Love Project":
What is your love experiment about? Give us some details.
Dr. Robert Epstein: I described the project in detail in the article Editor as Guinea Pig in the December 2002 issue. Briefly, I'm looking for someone who will deliberately create a love relationship with me. We'll sign an agreement pledging (a) not to date anyone else for the duration of the agreement (probably about 6 months), (b) to read extensively about love, (c) to put ourselves through various kinds of love counseling and exercises and perhaps to create exercises of our own, and (d) to keep private daily diaries of our experiences - the goal of all this being for us to fall deeply in love with each other before the end of the contract period. Ultimately, we're hoping we can learn how to package this process so that many others can use it.
Can any two people learn to love each other?
Dr. Epstein: I doubt that. At the very least, you probably need to start out with at least some degree of physical attraction. Sex and love involve common physiological systems, so some degree of "chemistry" is probably helpful early in a relationship. But even though chemistry is important, a successful, long-term relationship cannot be based on chemistry alone. Passion fades fairly rapidly over the first couple of years of a relationship. Long-term relationships are based on psychological and emotional intimacy, not just physical intimacy. Physical attraction isn't everything, and it's a serious mistake to confuse it with love itself.
Is there really love at first sight?
Dr. Epstein: Research suggests that the "love at first sight" phenomenon is almost always "lust at first sight." Relationships based on first impressions almost always end in tatters. The extreme passion one sometimes feels in the beginning of a relationship fades rapidly; it's usually quite weak within 18 months. True psychological and emotional intimacy takes time to develop. Historically, passionate love was seen as a kind of madness, and love and passion weren't considered a legitimate basis for marriage until recent times.
What are some of the most common relationship myths?
Dr. Epstein: In the U.S., the biggest myths are the ones we get from the fairy tales we read our children -- and from Hollywood's various versions of those fairy tales. Myth #1: "The One" is out there for us, if only we can find him or her. Myth #2: Once we find "The One," he or she will never change, and neither will we. Myth #3: Once we find "The One," we'll live Happily Ever After. Myth #4: Love is a magical, mystical thing over which we have no control. It can't be studied; it can't be taught; it can't be learned.
What is your relationship history (marital status, past relationships, children, dating habits)?
Dr. Epstein: Typical 21st century stuff: I have two exes who hate me and four beautiful children whom I adore. I date occasionally when I'm not completely swamped with work. I believe strongly in traditional marriage, but I've not had much luck with it.
How did you come up with the idea of this project?
Dr. Epstein: The idea occurred to me when I was chatting a friend of mine who's an aspiring writer. She mentioned that she had never been in love. Later that night these various elements coalesced in my mind into a strange concept -- that maybe she and I could somehow learn to love each other and write a book about it! The more I read about "learning to love," the less bizarre the idea appeared. Alas, she had a boyfriend.
How are you going about finding a partner?
Dr. Epstein :I asked friends, colleagues, and family members to help out, and I also announced the project in an editorial in Psychology Today. I received hundreds and calls, and I met a total of 15 woman over a nine-month period. Some seemed to be after publicity or money, some were scared away by the media coverage, and others I just didn't like. Then, on Christmas Day of 2002, purely by accident, I met a lovely woman who agreed soon after to try my experiment with me.
What attributes are you looking for in a prospective partner?
Dr. Epstein: Intelligence, vitality, and a passion for the project -- those are essential attributes.
Who do you think can benefit from your personal experiment?
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