Coping in Stressful Times

How one person struggles to keep on top of her life. The Mind's Eye

By Colin Allen, published on November 01, 2002

Diana Soloman lives with her husband, Dennis, on a 13-acre ranch in the Amish countryside of Ohio. Before her retirement, Diana had been a plain-clothes narcotics cop as well as an F-16 air mechanic in Ogden, Utah. Now, Diana's two children and grandson visit her at the ranch every summer. Hopefully, in a few years, Dennis will join her in retirement. When he does, she plans to travel America with him. The recession, though, has set back these plans. Since September 11, Dennis' steel company has suffered. Clinical psychologist Robert Markman, Ph.D., looks into how one copes during uneasy times.

Diana:When I married Denny, the business was doing really well. Right before 9/11, they had expanded the building. We had just married in March of that year. The business was great-until September. It's gotten increasingly difficult. We just filed for Chapter 11.

Dennis and his ex-wife founded the company 23 years ago. It is kind of like his baby. They have been divorced for almost three years. She is the CEO, and he is the president. They work together to keep it going. He loves his job, but it's been pretty stressful.

Since 9/11, we have been struggling, and our house is part of that struggle. Hopefully, we'll be able to hold on to it. The business is picking up slowly. And I hope, in the next five years, Denny can sell the business and retire.

I didn't expect to be where I am right now. I had come to the conclusion that I would be spending the rest of my life as a spinster. I was fine with that, because I've lived a full life. I was divorced when my daughter was 15 months old. So I've been independent. I still am.

We are at the point in our lives where we accept each other for who we are. We like the same things. I love to go to gun shows; I think he was jazzed about that more than anything. He didn't think he would ever find a woman who likes gun shows.

So much happens in our lives that is unplanned. This uncertainty seems to be a factor of living and not something resulting from mistakes or personal inadequacy. Those who survive and creatively continue seem to have developed a strategy, a way of transforming obstacles into bridges. The intrinsic value of such a worldview is that it enables one to weave daily events (desired or undesired) into a workable pattern. Diana appears to be one of those people who when faced with life-changing challenges (divorce, single parenthood, possible bankruptcy) has marshaled the wisdom of her beliefs to not only cope with the unexpected but also to be proactive in the pursuit of her goals. We can all benefit from the example of her ability to keep life in perspective. However, the decisive element may be the creation and implementation of a viable perspective before bad times come.

Clinical psychologist Robert Markman, Ph.D., is formerly a staff psychologist at the Broughton Psychiatric Hospital in Morganton, North Carolina.