I have gone through five years of therapy for my parents not
wanting contact with me anymore and for major depression with
borderline traits. I am 42. The reason why my parents won't see or talk
to me is because I told them to stop running my life and controlling
me. My question, though, is this: Why am I not comfortable or sure of
myself? I feel like I have to always strive and do something really
important. How can I learn to like myself better and not be so hard on
myself to succeed in something "important"?
The rift in your relationship with your parents is most revealing.
You say the cause was your declaration of independence. Part of
developing as an adult is learning to make your own choices and to live
with the consequences of those choices.
Effective parents encourage that process, loosening the reins as
the child grows. Healthy people with good boundaries who are your friends
and family will generally support your decisions about what you choose as
a career, whom you choose as friends, what you do for fun, and so on.
(They can only do so if they are, in fact, competent decisions, i.e.,
effective even if they are different from what others might do.)
Some people, however, have poor boundaries; one way they show up is
in the need or desire to control others. To try to control other people
and get them to do as they want, people can use some very nasty tactics:
making you feel horribly guilty, threatening actual harm, freezing you
out or ending or threatening to end your relationship until you cave
in.
The problem is, such ruthless manipulation actually works much of
the time; people cave in out of fear or need for approval. Some people
are willing to do things to others that you and I wouldn't do, and they
make our lives much harder.
Learning to deal with such people, particularly when they are
self-serving friends or family you must interact with, is an absolute
necessity. Otherwise, you can too easily become their victim. No one
overcomes depression by being a victim.
I would hope your therapist is especially skilled at helping you
recognize and short circuit manipulative strategies such as the one your
parents appear to have applied in refusing to see you (presumably until
you "come to your senses," which means seeing things their way. It's
quite a nasty game, isn't it?).
And you wonder why you are so unsure of yourself? How can you
develop certainty in your judgment and confidence in yourself when your
own parents will abandon you or hold you emotionally hostage if you make
a "mistake" (that is, do something they don't approve of)? That added
pressure to be "right" and "good" from their point of view means you
don't learn to trust yourself, and you must always second guess yourself
to try to minimize your parents' rejection.
When your whole life has been about avoiding rejection, your focus
is mostly on others, and your sense of self is not developed. Hence, the
borderline traits of your diagnosis. The process of becoming a worthwhile
human being is a process of experimentation and discovery. You discover
through your life experience what you value, how you want to live, your
personal preferences and how to make choices for yourself that meet your
own self-definition of what's good and right for you.
Doubt comes from relying on others' judgment about you; it leaves
you forever wondering whether you're okay. Higher consciousness develops
when you come to know and accept what's right for you, even if it isn't
for someone else, while accepting the choices others make for themselves.
This is an internal process of coming to recognize and accept as valid
for you the decisions you make about how you wish to live.
