Ask Dr. E

Q& A

Dear Dr. E,

What exactly is Situational Stress Reaction, and how can one beat
it?

C, New York

Dear C,

I hate to say it, but it sounds like you may have found this term
in a magazine—and not in Psychology Today, I hope. It's not an
official diagnostic term, but even if it were, I wouldn't let it scare
you. Generally speaking, labels used in mental health are more
descriptive than explanatory. If certain situations (the approach of a
stranger, for example) make you feel stress (perhaps you have an anxiety
attack), one might say you're demonstrating a “situational stress
reaction,” but this label doesn't add anything to the facts with
which you started. Why these situations get you upset (perhaps a stranger
traumatized you years ago), and how you can reduce the stress (by
learning stress- management techniques, for example) are issues you might
want to explore with a therapist. Meanwhile, try not to get stressed-out
by labels.

Dear Dr. E,

I really liked this guy, and we ended up having sex (each for the
first time). Then he said he wasn't ready for another girlfriend because
his last one hurt him badly. What should I do? I feel like I'm going to
die.

L, Via e-mail

Dear L,

Rejection is always painful, and in this case you're feeling
especially bad because you lost your virginity to the man who rejected
you. Time will heal you; of that I have no doubt. If your pain is so
severe that you feel like taking your own life, please talk to your
parents or your best friend or a therapist before you act rashly. A more
considerate partner is out there waiting for you.

Dear Dr. E,

A psychologist recently stated in a report that one of my clients,
a preschooler, was suffering from “white matter dysgenesis”
of the brain. How could he arrive at that diagnosis without having done
some sort of brain scan?

M, Milton, PA

Dear M,

Sometimes brain abnormalities can reasonably be inferred from
behavioral or emotional dysfunction, but something sounds fishy here.
First of all, “dysgenesis” refers to the abnormal development
of a brain structure; the term isn't usually applied to white matter (the
material that coats the axons of brain cells). What's more, psychologists
are not physicians. Unless this psychologist has had special training, he
might not be qualified to make such a diagnosis. It's common for medical
doctors to speculate about physical abnormalities, but they usually try
to back up their tentative diagnoses with definitive tests. If you're
skeptical about the report you were given, insist that such tests be
done.

Dear Dr. E,

I'm 20, and I've never learned how to express myself emotionally.
When my roommate or other people say what they feel, I become speechless.
How can I overcome this problem?

L, Virginia Beach, VA

Dear L,

The fact that you can express your concerns in this letter is a
good sign. Your next step should be to find a therapist or therapy group
that can help you develop the communication skills you need.
Organizations such as the National Association of Social Workers (see
below for contact information) can help you find appropriate services.
Don't delay; both you and your relationships will flourish when you learn
to open up.

Dear Dr. E,

I think I'm a failure in life because I'm not very smart. When I
was 12, I scored a pitiful 90 on an IQ test, which is below normal. Is
there anything I can do to improve my IQ and my future?

D, Miami, FL

Dear D,

The first thing you can do is to forget that IQ test. IQ tests
primarily measure reasoning ability, but there are many other abilities
that contribute to success in life: emotional sensitivity (measured by
“EQ” tests), musical aptitude, physical coordination, and so
on. Life is all about finding a niche in which your particular strengths
are valued. Take some career inventory, sharpen the skills you already
have and build new ones that appeal to you. Then look for that niche, and
if you can't find it, look harder.

Dear Dr. E,

I'm a single guy, and I'd love to have a relationship, but I just
don't feel I can trust anyone. I've witnessed far too much cheating and
lying. What should I do?

R, New York, NY

Dear R,

Since I started this column a few years ago, questions about trust
have been the most commonly asked. Some people are tortured because they
feel their partners aren't trustworthy, and others are upset because they
say they're worthy of trust but that their partners seem incapable of
trusting them. (In other words, both members of the couples have written
in.) You're saying the hell with everyone; you don't even want to give a
partner a chance. To all of you, I say: Yes, people sometimes cheat and
lie, but they sometimes are also faithful and truthful. Trust is a matter
of interpreting what people do positively. Yes, it's an act of faith,
and, yes, it's risky, but without it, you can't connect meaningfully with
another human being. You decide: trust, or live in isolation. A therapist
or counselor can help you to set aside betrayals that might be holding
you back and to learn to interpret daily events more positively.