Answers to your questions about trust,assertiveness, marriage and
more
Dear Dr. E,
I hate having boyfriends because I always feel like I have to cheat
on them before they cheat on me. That way, I won't be hurt. Is this
normal?
R, New Berlin, WI
Dear R,
Your behavior is not uncommon, but you'll never be able to enjoy a
long-term relationship unless you find more constructive ways of dealing
with your insecurities. A counselor can help you learn how to explore the
roots of your mistrust and can also help you learn to trust again;
without that, relationships are always unpleasant and usually
doomed.
Dear Dr. E,
What are the key components of assertiveness training?
R, Keene, NH
Dear R,
Assertiveness training, first introduced by Dr. Andrew Salter in
the 1940s, comes in many flavors, but its primary goal is to teach the
difference between nonassertiveness, assertiveness and
aggressiveness--assertiveness being the best of the three options.
Assertive people say "no" when they don't want to do something, express
their feelings without hurting others and initiate and terminate
conversations, among other things. Role playing and group activities are
ideal ways to learn such skills.
Dear Dr. E,
What are the chances of a 15-year marriage surviving adultery?
Specifically, one spouse internalized disgruntled feelings for a long
time and then cheated on the other.
L, Gainesville, GA
Dear L,
Your "chances" are up to you. Marriages can certainly survive
adultery, sometimes with new insights and deeper intimacy. Are you and
your spouse willing to make the effort? Is there something worth fighting
for--stability for your children, perhaps, or common interests or the
possibility of mature companionship in the future? If so, fight hard. A
marriage and family therapist can help (for more information, go to
www.aamft.org).
Dear Dr. E,
I have never had an orgasm with a guy. What is wrong with
me?
D, Danbury, CT
Dear D,
Your note suggests that you may have had orgasms on your own. If
so, you might not yet have found a partner who makes you feel comfortable
or who has the right skills to get you aroused. Most young women have
trouble reaching orgasm, and perhaps one in 10 women are unable to reach
orgasm at any point in their lives. Sex education, psychotherapy and
medical treatment can help.
Dear Dr. E,
Many men I've known play with their penises absentmindedly while
talking on the phone, watching a football game or reading the newspaper.
I even caught a co-worker doing this while he read his e-mail. Are they
insecure about their sexuality? Are they just checking to see if it's
still there?
M, Maryland
Dear M,
I've never observed this odd phenomenon. If your observations are
accurate, this suggests that you're paying more attention to this part of
the male anatomy than I do. Is the problem, then, with the behavior of
these men or with the focus of your attention? And could it be that they
know you're watching?
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