Answers to your questions about self-esteem, nymphomania,parenting
and more.
Dear Dr. E,
What are some of the things I can do to build the self-esteem of my
11-year-old son?
L, Detroit, MI
Dear L,
Many parents try so hard to boost "self-esteem" that they forget
where it comes from. We feel good about ourselves when we're effective in
the world. Help your son acquire the skills and knowledge he needs to
succeed: As your resources allow, get him tutors and extracurricular
classes to build both his intellectual and physical abilities. If his
school is second-rate, consider switching. An inflated sense of
self-worth without underlying abilities is useless, if not
dangerous.
Dear Dr. E,
I'm always suspicious of my partner. Is there anything wrong with
me?
S, Corowa, Australia
Dear S,
There's a fine line between paranoia and caution. If your partner
behaves suspiciously, then you probably have good reason to be
suspicious. I sense, however, that you're afraid you may be
misinterpreting harmless behavior. If so, that is indeed your
problem--one that's important for you to address. Almost any
behavior--coming home late, for example--can be interpreted in multiple
ways. Your partner may have had a tryst (negative interpretation) or,
perhaps, a car problem (positive interpretation).With counseling, you can
learn to be more flexible in your thinking, and you can also learn to
turn negative interpretations into positive ones.
Dear Dr. E,
My two-year-old child insists on sleeping with my wife and me. What
are the possible psychological impacts of this on my baby?
L, San Diego, CA
Dear L,
I know of no evidence that suggests your child will be harmed by
sleeping with you. In some cultures, it's quite common for children to
sleep with their parents. A few experts in the United States even
advocate this practice, suggesting that the sense of security a child
gets from sleeping with parents is more important than the sense of
independence he or she might get from sleeping alone. Author Jean
Leidloff discusses this issue in an intriguing way in her classic book,
The Continuum Concept. But you'll also need to ask whether your marriage
is suffering because your child is in bed with you. Life is full of
trade-offs.
Dear Dr. E,
I'm 22 and almost always unhappy. For one thing, I'm happier
thinking about my boyfriend than being with him. What's my
problem?
M, Newport News, VA
Dear M,
You might be clinically depressed. Taking a simple online quiz can
help you determine the severity of your condition (see
www.depression-screening.org). If severe, it's important that you get
professional help. If you're depressed, that might account for your
relationship problem, but it's also possible that you have the wrong
mate. Fantasy is almost always better than reality, but it's not a good
basis for a relationship.
Dear Dr. E,
When is someone considered a nymphomaniac? I don't think that
frequent sex should be the only criterion.
V, Philippines
Dear V,
Contrary to popular belief, "nymphomania" is not a valid diagnostic
category. In fact, the official manual used in mental health does not
label any level of sexual activity excessive. Some therapists now speak
of "sexual addiction" but this term is in dispute, and it's not in the
official index of disorders. The only legitimate labels we have for
abnormal sexual activity speak of "hypoactive" conditions, meaning low
sexual desire. That's usually what brings people in for therapy.
Dear Dr. E,
I suffer severely from stage fright. What can I do? I tried
medication, but it just makes me drowsy.
M, New York, NY
Dear M,
For onstage situations, I'd avoid medication. You'll probably want
all your marbles if you're acting or speaking. In an acting workshop I
took in high school, I learned some simple breathing techniques that
relax the body and improve focus before a performance. Since then I've
found--and regularly practice--dozens of powerful techniques of this
sort. You can learn a variety of stress-management techniques from a
qualified counselor (see left) or from books such as my Big Book of
Stress-Relief Games (McGraw-Hill, 2000).
