Sex and Your Psyche

Sexual dysfunction is a problem for many. Here's what you can do about it.

By Michael Seeber, Carin Gorrell, published on November 01, 2001 - last reviewed on July 31, 2006

Masturbating is the easiest way for women to learn how to have an orgasm. Women who masturbate will be a lot more likely to have an orgasm during sex. I think it helps you learn the actual mechanics of what turns you on, where things need to happen.

Because the guy isn't going to know that; there's no reason he would. Every woman is different. Also, the bonding that goes on during sex seems most extreme with an orgasm. It's kind of like one or both people have gone completely over the edge; they're suspended in the other person's grasp, and they're completely surrendered to it. That intensifies any connection.

Gabriel, 25, Musician

There are guys who don't get a rise out of giving a woman an orgasm and would just prefer not to have someone else there. I've even heard some guys say they have better orgasms during masturbation than sex. The mere thought of it astounds me, but it makes sense if a guy has a fear of intimacy or, even more, a fear of performing. It probably takes away from his own orgasm if he's overly concerned with his sexual performance or whether or not she's having one. It's ironic, because an orgasm during sex is enhanced when it's with someone you truly care about.

Getting Close and Personal

Kamara, 27, Musician

I'm amazed when I talk to anyone who claims to have never had an orgasm, probably because I just can't imagine not having them or not being able to have them. At the same time, it doesn't surprise me: I was raised in a very conservative religious atmosphere that actually called masturbation "self abuse," and all sexuality—not to mention orgasms—was beautiful and good only if it happened in a marriage bed. It takes awhile to expel the load of guilt that piles up around your sexuality if you're raised in that kind of culture, and I'm sure some people never do. But there was no way I wasn't going to aim for the prize once I knew what it felt like. Maybe it depends on your sexual drive—for me the drive was strong enough that I could never feel guilty about an orgasm for long.

Steven, 28, Veterinarian

Some guys think sex has to include an orgasm. Orgasms are great, but there's so much more to sex. An orgasm is more of a physical experience; I guess there is an emotional aspect, but it's over in a second. I think anybody can give you an orgasm, but it's the person there after the orgasm that matters. But I think I'm the exception.

Does Orgasm Equal Sex?

Our ever-changing definition of sex may hinge more on the climax than on the act itself; Psychologist L.M. Bogart, Ph.D., gave Kent State students a list of scenarios in which "Jim" and "Susie" engaged in vaginal, anal or oral intercourse and either did or did not achieve orgasm. Vaginal intercourse was considered sex 97 percent of the time, followed by anal intercourse (93 percent) and oral sex (44 percent). Researchers were surprised to find that orgasm occurrence dictated whether or not the activity was considered sex. Although the woman was more likely to label vaginal intercourse sex if neither partner climaxed, when it came to oral sex, the recipient was more likely to consider it sex than the partner performing the act, especially if the recipient achieved orgasm—because the stimulator was unlikely to achieve orgasm. For anal sex, it was more likely to be called sex if Jim had the orgasm, but it was sex to Susie regardless of whether she achieved orgasm. In general, the lack of orgasm for women was less likely to affect her labeling the act sex. Although most sex therapists argue against using orgasm as an end-all definition of sex, Bogart's study indicates that orgasm is still an important gauge by which we measure sexual activity.