Can Men and Women Be Friends?

Male-female friendship can be tricky, but both benefit from cross-sex buddyhood.

By Camille Chatterjee, published on September 01, 2001 - last reviewed on January 08, 2009

"In reality, sex isn't always on the agenda," said Werking. "That could be due to sexual orientation, lack of physical attraction or involvement in another romantic relationship." After all, even friends who are attracted to each other may also recognize that qualities they tolerate in a friendship wouldn't necessarily work in a serious romantic relationship. And after years of considering someone as a friend, it often becomes difficult to see a cross-sex pal as a romantic possibility.

Of pairs that do face the question of lust, those that decide early on to bypass an uncertain romantic relationship are more likely to have an enduring friendship, says Werking. One study by Walid Afifi, of Penn State University, showed that of more than 300 college students surveyed, 67 percent reported having had sex with a friend. Interestingly, 56 percent of those subjects did not transition the friendship into a romantic relationship, suggesting that they preferred friendship over sex.

TRUTH #6

Male-Female Friendships Are Political

Men and women have increasingly similar rights, opportunities and interests, which can make cross-sex friendship very political, noted Werking. "It upsets the agreed-upon social order," she explains. "Women and men engage in an equal relationship, or they aren't friends." For one thing, new generations of kids grow up believing that boys can play with dolls and girls can take kickboxing, and they're crossing paths more frequently as a result.

Men and women are also becoming more androgynous as their societal roles become more similar. "Men are more willing to have feminine characteristics, and women are a lot more willing to admit to traditionally masculine characteristics, like assertiveness," said Monsour. His dissertation showed that women and men categorized as androgynous had twice the number of cross-sex friends.

Whatever the challenges of male-female friendship, researchers agree that to succeed as friends, both genders have to openly and honestly negotiate exactly what their relationship will mean—whether sexual attraction is a factor and how they'll deal with it—and establish boundaries. In Afifi's and Reeder's studies, the friendships that survived—and even thrived—after sex or attraction came into play were those in which the friends extensively discussed the meaning of the sexual activity and felt confident and positive about each other's feelings. Once they got past that, they were home free.

"If sex is part of the dynamic, addressing it explicitly is the best strategy" for making sure the friendship survives, said Werking. "The issue will fester if friends try to ignore it." So in the end, male-female friendship does have something in common with romantic relationships: To work, communication is key.

Researchers tell us that men and women can be friends. But do we really believe them? A survey of more than 1,450 members of the Match.com dating site revealed that we're an optimistic bunch:

Do you believe men and women can be platonic friends?
Yes: 83%

No: 11%

Unsure: 6%
Have you had a platonic friendship that crossed the line and became romantic or sexual?
Yes: 62%

No: 36%

Unsure: 2%
Who is more likely to misinterpret the intimacy of friendship for sexual desire?
Men: 64%

Women: 25%

Unsure: 11%
Is it possible to fall in love with someone who first enters your life as a friend?
Yes: 94%

No: 4%

Unsure: 2%
Do you hope that when you do fall in love, your partner will have started out as your friend?
Yes: 71%

No: 9%

Unsure: 20%
Who is better at keeping sex out of a platonic relationship?
Men: 13%

Women: 67%

Unsure: 20%