RESEARCHERS SAY: There's only one problem with active listening:
hardly anyone does it. Although the technique has been promoted by
therapists for over three decades, research shows that actual
couples -- including the long-lasting, lovey-dovey ones -- completely ignore
it when they argue. "It just doesn't happen," says Sybil Carrere, Ph.D.,
a psychologist at the University of Washington who's been leading a
six-year study of how newlyweds interact. "Intuitively it does make
sense, but the fact is that when you look at happy couples, they're not
doing it. They're being affectionate, they're using humor to break up
tension, they're indicating interest in what their partner has to
say -- they're doing a lot of positive things. But they're not doing active
listening." In fact, one of the few studies that has been conducted on
the effects of active listening shows that it does nothing to help
couples in distress.
WHAT TO DO INSTEAD: According to Carrere, couples should focus
their efforts on three other areas. First, women should try to present
their complaints in a calm way: Research shows that men are more likely
to listen if their partners tone down hostility and avoid
contemptuousness. Second, men need to really listen to their partners,
taking their feelings and opinions into account. And third, both sides
should do what they can to keep the male half cool and collected. "Men
have a tendency when they get into conflict to get physiologically
aroused, and then they tend to withdraw from the conflict in order to
soothe themselves, which only makes the woman more angry," says Carrere.
If the two of you can work together to head his anger off at the pass -- by
throwing in a joke, maybe, or offering a hug -- you'll both be better
off.
The five distortions presented here are only a few of the
misconceptions you may encounter. To protect yourself against others, be
sure to take self-help prescriptions with a measure of skepticism and a
healthy dose of common sense.
SIFTING SCIENCE FROM SNAKE OIL: How to Find Top Psychology in Pop
Psychology
Americans turn relentlessly to books, magazines, radio, TV and the
Internet in the hopes of finding their way to a better, less
problem-filled life. But there's a catch. Some of this popular psychology
is based on solid psychological science and practice, and some is not.
How to distinguish which is which?
Consider the source of the information. Does it come from a mental
health professional? Beware of materials written by fellow sufferers who
are laypersons. Experiencing a problem doesn't automatically confer the
ability to help others. And what works for one may not work for
all.
The problem that's addressed has to be one that is amenable to
change. Psychological states that are genetic, like manic-depressive
disorder, are extraordinarily difficult to change. So are those that are
at the core of what we think or do, such as sexual orientation.
Depression is more responsive to deliberate efforts at change, and panic
disorder and issues of sexual performance more susceptible still.
The material must provide both facts about and specific strategies
for dealing with the psychological concern. It's important that the
information review the symptoms of any condition, and ideally a
self-diagnosis questionnaire should be provided.
Quality information also takes into account individual differences
among readers. Most helpful is an array of techniques for tackling the
problem. The more specific the problem-solving strategies., the more
useful. And all of the strategies presented should be based squarely on
science or professional practice.
The material should refer the reader to authoritative sources, such
as professional organizations. Does it contain a bibliography? A resource
guide? These are important for possible follow-ups.
Along with G. Ann Schultis, I have analyzed self-help books and
offer these additional guidelines in choosing good ones. The book's title
should reflect its contents. The purpose of the book should be stated in
the preface or the first chapter.
Some radio and TV stations air entire programs devoted to
psychological matters, often hosted by a "mental health professional."
Highly dependent on the skills and knowledge of the host, these programs
may play on the voyeuristic interests of listeners who may be titillated
tuning into the intimate details of an anonymous caller's life. On the
other hand, such programs may reach millions and motivate some to seek
professional help because of what they heard.
TV talk shows may feature "victims" of a particular problem -- but
they often encourage the very behaviors they are purporting to fix. For
instance, a couple with poor interpersonal skills is goaded into fighting
before the studio audience. Then a guest therapist (typically the author
of a topical self-help book) suggests a quick fix to the problem. In this
way, the program reinforces both the antisocial behavior and the idea of
overly simple solutions to far more complex matters.
Psychologically related sites have virtually exploded on the web.
Look for those hosted by a reputable organization and that present
in-depth coverage of issues. The best Web sites offer bibliographies of
relevant articles and books; they also offer a listing of professional
organizations.
No matter where you turn for information, you can't abandon your
critical thinking skills.
THE BEST SELF-HELP BOOKS
GENERAL RESOURCES
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