WHAT TO DO INSTEAD: "You have to enlist the help of other people,"
Wegner says. "Talk to friends or relatives or clergy or a therapist, or
anyone else who might be able to help you think about other things." Or
go to a place where people are enjoying themselves, like a party or the
park or the mall, and you'll soon feel your spirits lift. Finally, if you
know in advance that you're going to be upset or anxious about something,
make a list of positive things that you can refer to when you need it
most: your five favorite memories, say, or three occasions to look
forward to.
DISTORTION 3
Visualize your goal, and you'll help make it come true.
SELF-HELP BOOKS SAY: "Hold the image of yourself succeeding,
visualize it so vividly, that when the desired success comes, it seems to
be merely echoing a reality that has already existed in your mind,"
suggests Positive Imaging: The Powerful Way to Change Your Life (Fawcett
Book Group, 1996).
RESEARCHERS SAY: Sports psychologists have shown the power that
visualization has on improving performance, but simply imagining that
you've achieved your goal won't bring it any closer -- and might even put
it further out of reach.
Shelley Taylor, Ph.D., a psychologist at UCLA, has reservations
about visualizing your goals. "First of all, it separates the goal from
what you need to do to get it. And second, it enables you to enjoy the
feeling of being successful without actually having achieved anything.
That takes away the power of the goal" -- and can even make you complacent,
unwilling to work hard or take risks to get what you already have in your
daydreams.
WHAT TO DO INSTEAD: In addition to picturing your goal as a fait
accompli, "you should figure out what the steps to get there are, and
then mentally rehearse them," says Taylor.
In an experiment, Taylor asked some students preparing for an exam
to imagine their happiness at having received an "A" on the test, and
others to picture themselves sitting in the library, studying their
textbooks and going over lecture notes. Those in the second group
performed better on the test, and experienced less stress and
worry.
For short-term goals, Taylor recommends running through the steps
you've laid out once a day; for bigger dreams, you can revisit your plan
every time you make some progress, and see if it needs adjusting.
DISTORTION 4
Self-affirmations will help you rinse low self-esteem.
SELF-HELP BOOKS SAY: "Write affirmations on paper and put them in
places you will see them -- on the bathroom mirror, next to your bed, on
the car dashboard," recommends Life 101: Everything We Wish We Had
Learned About Life In School -- But Didn't (Prelude Press, 1991). "You can
also record them on endless-loop cassette tapes and play them in the
background all day (and night)."
RESEARCHERS SAY: Psychologists say this technique may not be very
helpful. Changing how we feel about ourselves is a lot more complicated,
explains William Swann, Ph.D., of the University of Texas-Austin.
"Self-esteem is based on two components: first, our sense of how likable
and lovable we are, and second, our sense of how competent we are" at our
jobs and at other activities that demand talent and skill. On those
scores, we've been hearing from other people -- parents, teachers, bosses,
siblings, friends, romantic partners -- all our lives, and their opinions
of us continue to reinforce our notions of ourselves, good or bad.
Self-affirmations, even when endlessly repeated, don't make much of a
dent -- and when they fail to work, they may leave us even more
demoralized.
What's more, people with low self-esteem may be especially
unpersuaded by self-affirmations. Preliminary research by Swann's
colleague at UT, Robert Josephs, Ph.D., indicates that those with poor
self-images simply don't believe the statements, because they don't value
their own opinions very highly. In Josephs' experiment, high self-esteem
people were able to pat themselves on the back for solving a set of
problems, while "lows" had to hear praise from someone else before they
would credit it.
WHAT TO DO INSTEAD: The only way to change the final product -- your
self-esteem -- is to change what goes into making it -- feedback from other
people. "If you find yourself in bad relationships where your negative
self-view is getting reinforced, then either change the way those people
treat you by being more assertive, or change who you interact with," says
Swann. "If you're in a job where you're getting denigrated, insist that
you be treated more appropriately, or change jobs. Try to do your job
better than you've done it before."
IN OTHER WORDS: Stand up for yourself. Surround yourself with
people who think you're great, and tell you so. Do your best to live up
to their high opinions. And be patient. Self-esteem is the sum of your
interactions with others over a lifetime, and it's not going to change
overnight.
DISTORTION 5
"Active listening" can help you communicate better with your
partner.
SELF-HELP BOOKS SAY: "The technique of 'active listening' ensures
that you not only hear, but really understand what your partner is trying
to tell you," reads Going the Distance: Finding and Keeping Lifelong Love
(Plume, 1993). You do it by "paraphrasing your partner's words, then
repeating in your own words what you believe your partner is trying to
communicate to you."
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