The solution: One of the best ways of learning is through
mistakes--they provide valuable feedback and highlight areas for growth.
Most people prefer others who have faults; they're what make you human
and appealing. Sharing your shortcomings creates intimacy and fosters
close relationships. For that reason, it can be better for your mental
health to draw attention to--and laugh at--some of your mistakes, rather
than hide them. Accepting your shortcomings and being open about them
frees you from the pressure of being "found out."
There is very little fun in your life.
5 The problem: Robert H., 54, was raised to work hard, get ahead
and, above all, win. Fun was regarded as a waste of time. When amusing
events at the office had everyone else in stitches, Robert would shake
his head disapprovingly. Since he eschewed going to movies, concerts,
plays or sports events--frivolous pursuits, in his mind--he had the
social skills of an alien from outer space. He felt lonely and
isolated.
The solution: Many authorities have extolled the benefits of humor
as a physical and psychic tonic. In our practices we have found that
recreation and downtime are vital human needs which, like sleep, restore
your equilibrium. Realizing that relaxation doesn't mean laziness can add
years to your life. Laughter stimulates various brain centers that can
raise your pain tolerance and strengthen the immune system. Go out of
your way to seek amusing incidents and take note of them. This serves as
an antidote to stress as well as a buoy for your feelings.
You do not take responsibility for your actions.
6 The problem: Doris K., 44, played the "blame game": Whenever
something went wrong, she pointed the finger at someone else. By refusing
to take responsibility for her own actions, she antagonized those around
her. Ultimately, she lost her job (having been fired from six previous
ones), alienated her husband and lost most of her friends.
The solution: You may refuse to accept the onus for situations you
have yourself caused because you are afraid it will make you look weak or
imperfect. When you accept responsibility for your choices and actions,
however, you empower yourself. When you realize that the decisions you
"make have a concrete impact, you become the engineer of your future.
Instead of feeling like a victim of circumstances, taking responsibility
lets you make better choices. If you understand that you are responsible
for your own life, you are in the driver's seat.
You set unrealistic goals.
7 The problem: Dennis T., 35, lived by the adage, "Reach for the
stars." An aspiring singer, he was so passionate about his art that he
didn't stop to consider that he had had little success finding
professional work. His aspirations were beyond his true capabilities, and
he was often disappointed because he could not understand why all his
efforts hadn't yet yielded rewards. He felt depressed, hopeless and
worthless.
The solution: Harsh as it may sound, it is unrealistic to say that
you can achieve anything you desire. Everyone has limitations. Can every
high school basketball player grow up to be Michael Jordan? Genes, social
circumstances and other factors place a cap on how far you can go in
certain endeavors. Take stock of your talents and examine your weaker
areas. You know something is unrealistic when, despite your sincere
persistence, the outcome is mediocre at best. It's helpful to have high
hopes, when they're realistic. Tell yourself: "If a goal lies within my
reach, I will go all out for it. But if the strain is too much, I may
need to lower the bar a few notches." Unrealistic expectations usually
spell disaster!
You cannot let go of grudges.
8 The problem: Betty E., 55, spent her days rehashing grievances
dating back from childhood. She had become a bitter person with much
resentment. Her constant grousing was an enormous turnoff: She had no
good friends, and even her children avoided her company.
The solution: It is a serious mistake to harp on negative events
from the past. Studies show that depression is usually associated with
dwelling on negative past experiences and thoughts. When you regret
something you've done, express it, resolve it, and drop it. This way, it
won't come back to haunt you.
You are unable to tolerate the inevitable frustrations of
life.
9 The problem: Fred A., 38, became too impatient when faced with
life's unavoidable annoyances, like being kept on hold or waiting in
line. He was easily ruffled, which led to tension headaches and high
blood pressure.
The solution: Fred suffered from what renowned psychologist Albert
Ellis, Ph.D., calls LFT--Low Frustration Tolerance. Everyone inevitably
has to deal with frustrations. When you do not arm yourself with the
mental equipment to handle glitches in your daily plans, you set yourself
up for needless disappointment and misery. Repeat to yourself, "You win
some and you lose some." Accept that life is not fair. Everyone has to
tolerate things and people they would prefer not to deal with. Focusing
on what you have instead of dwelling on what you want is one of the roads
to happiness and contentment.
You think pessimistically or embrace a pep-psychology form of
optimism.
10 The problem: Isaac K., 59, firmly believed in thinking
positively. But that belief was beginning to throw him off-guard. For
example, when having chest pains, he dismissed them as "nothing to worry
about" until he wound up in the hospital from a heart attack.
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