Ten simple steps to recognizing yourproblems--and solving them own
your own
A look at TV talk shows and newspaper advice columns reveals that a
lot of people out there have serious psychological problems. They suffer
from intense depression, suicidal thoughts, paralyzing anxiety or
uncontrollable urges, and they need immediate professional help. Chances
are, though, that you're not one of them.
Let's face it: You may be insecure, lonely, stressed or anxious.
You may have trouble meeting people or keeping your marriage together.
But these garden-variety problems are not life-threatening, nor are they
defects whose roots require a therapist's weeding.
As two award-winning clinical psychologists, we see mental health
quite differently. We believe that many emotional problems are learned,
mainly from parents, teachers, peers and the media, and that people can
unlearn these patterns on their own. In many cases, professional help can
become redundant or even counterproductive. Once people realize that they
play a crucial role in overcoming their problems, self-help becomes a
highly effective option.
Most people with mental aliments are making one of 10 common errors
that result in needless emotional distress. Recognizing these mistakes
makes it easier for these people to solve their own problems. Learn to
avoid them, and you're well on your way to becoming your own
shrink!
You are too demanding and perfectionistic.
1 The problem: Sheila L., 30, was extremely insecure because she
focused far too much on her flaws. During the holidays, for example, she
pressured herself to spend lots of money on the perfect presents for
people, despite her' modest teacher's salary. She also berated family and
friends for their shortcomings. Eventually, people started avoiding her,
leading her to feel isolated and depressed.
The solution: Sheila had fallen prey to what famed psychiatrist
Karen Horney, M.D., termed "the tyranny of the 'should.'" Focusing too
much on what you and others "should" do causes guilt on your part, and
anger and frustration on the part of your victims. There are many valid
ways to act in any given situation. You're only human, so it is
imperative to avoid having superhuman expectations! Try replacing
"should" and "must" with "wish" or "prefer"--for example, trade "You
shouldn't smoke in the house" with "I'd prefer that you smoke outside."
If you become less demanding, life can be much more fulfilling and
relaxing.
You don't say what you mean or mean what you say.
2 The problem: Tony R., 39, dreaded his family s yearly
Thanksgiving dinner. Each November, the same scene played out: Tony would
get irritated with his family's nagging, but would bottle up his retorts
until he exploded with rage. His sister, Mildred R., 30, took the
opposite approach: She agreed with everyone, afraid to speak her own
mind. Both, however, felt tense, awkward, resentful and unappreciated.
Tony seemed immature to his family. Mildred came across as distant and
infantile.
The solution: Tony, Mildred and others like them need to remember
several key instructions: Say what you feel as soon as you feel it. Do
not wait for pressure to build, and do not recoil from speaking up. Speak
calmly, respectfully and directly. When people know you're giving them
your honest opinion, they're more likely to treat you with respect than
if you kowtow to them. By being assertive--but not aggressive-people are
more likely to listen to you. The style you adopt when dealing with
others is crucial. It determines who loves you, hates you, seeks you out
or avoids you more than your beliefs, ideas or opinions.
You tend to be judgmental.
3 The problem: Jim H., 47, came from a small, conservative town and
was highly judgmental. When his younger brother brought an
African-American girlfriend to a family gathering, Jim couldn't help
predicting the worst for the weekend--and saying so. His brother was hurt
and angry at Jim's racist remarks. Jim's parents felt uncomfortable and
left early. The girlfriend burst into tears. Not surprisingly, Jim was
disliked both inside and outside his family.
The solution: Everyone makes judgments and form opinions: "He's
overweight." "He talks slowly." But add a negative "therefore" to the end
of these statements and immediately you are making uninformed inferences.
"He talks slowly, therefore he must be stupid." "My family isn't used to
African-Americans, therefore an African-American will not fit in." No one
likes being unfairly judged. You are more likely to get along with others
if you don't rush to stereotype them. Besides, when you sit in judgment
of others, you're likely to be wrong about them.
You are afraid of making mistakes.
4 The problem: Jean W., 29, was terrified of doing
something-anything--wrong. She thought people would think less of her if
she made a mistake. For example, when her boyfriend invited her to meet
his family--an intellectual group of people--she worried about saying
something dumb and felt tense and defensive all week beforehand.
Ironically, she then found it hard to concentrate at work, resulting in
the silly slipups she'd feared making. Her anxiety also led her to
stammer and stutter her way through the gathering at her boyfriend's
house.
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