W: All right. Work with me, baby. And now maybe you'll start
talking more. See, now you're sitting up here talking about this. And
like that day at the park. We could have talked about that. It was a nice
relaxing moment to discuss things.
H: I don't know what happened then. When I got there, I was blown
out.
W: If you sit and talk with me like this...
H: When do we have a chance to sit down?
W: On weekends.
H: I don't think we have enough time on weekends to sit
down.
W: See, that's why I said we need to take a day for ourselves.
Momma would keep Dominique for a day. We've got to start focusing on
ourselves more.
H: Mmm-hmm.
W: Just every now and then, so we can do something for ourselves,
even if it isn't anything more than taking in a movie.
H: Yeah.
W: Or go have dinner. When was the last time we had dinner in a
restaurant?
H: That would be nice. Or go to a movie. How do you do it? First
you go have dinner, then you go to a movie. (Laughter)
W: Or if you go to a movie early enough, you can go have dinner
afterwards.
H: Right.
W: Right.
GOTTMAN SAYS: Wilma and Harris have a long-term, stable and happy
marriage. They easily discuss two long-standing marital issues: the fact
that he doesn't talk very much and she wants him to, and their financial
differences. These issues are never going to change fundamentally. Our
research has revealed that 69 percent of couples experience "perpetual
problems"--issues with no resolution that couples struggle with for many
years. Our data now lead us to believe that whenever you marry someone,
your personality differences ensure that you and your partner will
grapple with these issues forever. Marriages are only successful to the
degree that the problems you have are ones you can cope with.
For most perpetual conflicts in marriages, what matters is not
conflict resolution, but the attitudes that surround discussion of the
conflict. Wilma and Harris both basically accept that there will always
be differences between them, and they essentially accept one another as
they are. Still, it is their ability to exchange viewpoints, making each
other feel comfortable and supported all the while, that keeps them from
getting gridlocked.
This couple, which is typical of our long-term couples, are real
pros at being married and at using positive affect--like humor and gentle
teasing--to de-escalate conflict. This is likely a sign that they are
keeping their arousal levels low. Notice the wide array of strategies
used to alleviate potential tension, such as expressing appreciation,
softening complaints, responding nondefensively, backing down and using
humor. The two of them do this together.
What these middle-aged spouses do is exactly what newlyweds who
wind up stable and happy do, and this process moves them toward some
semblance of problem-solving. What this master couple has effectively
accomplished is to actualize the great marital paradox: that people can
only change if they don't feel they have to.
Harris and Wilma make it look easy, just like a high-wire act makes
it look easy. They are "athletes" at marriage, and that is one reason we
study long-term marriages. There is a marital magic in what they do. The
only function of my research is to make this marital magic clear so
therapists can teach it to other couples.
Tags:
28 years,
breakup,
communication,
conflict,
contempt,
groundbreaking research,
happy couples,
marriage,
married couples,
negative behaviors,
physiology,
quarrels,
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three minutes
