M: You don't know a thing about it then. Randy was in there early
every day, tell me why?
V: Yeah, but he was home at a decent hour too.
M: He stays out late.
V: Eight to eight or eight to nine every day.
M: Every day.
V: Now, then, I don't want you taking that job. You forget
it.
M: No.
GOTTMAN SAYS: This couple also has low levels of marital
satisfaction. Unlike the previous couple, they have the "hot," corrosive
kind of marital conflict characterized by what I call the "Four Horsemen
of the Apocalypse": criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling.
This type of conflict tends to lead to early divorce. However, also
unlike the previous couple, there is still a lot of strength in their
relationship. Their friendship is intact. There is humor and affection,
and they are confident that they can resolve their conflict.
Though the couple begins their discussion very well, by laughing,
Valerie soon expresses anger because Mark's new job is demanding so much
of his time. She then repairs this with humor and more affection. This
shows that there is still quite a bit of strength in this marriage. The
respite is only temporary; Valerie raises the family issue again. But
Mark agrees affectionately, showing another strength: He makes her
problems "their" problems.
They are doing very well discussing the problem until Valerie's
angry line about going in early every day. This leads to a pattern of her
anger and his defensiveness in response. So there is still a lot of
strength in their interaction, but something is keeping him from fully
understanding how hard it is for her to have him gone so much. Something
is deteriorating in this relationship and it's exemplified by her
ultimatums and his resistance.
When we were doing this research, we didn't intervene to help
couples, and this one, unfortunately, divorced after seven years of
marriage. Now I think we can prevent this type of marital meltdown. The
secrets are in keeping fathers involved with their babies so they make
the same kind of philosophical transformation in meaning that their wives
are probably making; in teaching couples what to expect during this
transition to parenthood; and in helping them with the inevitable marital
conflict, sleepless irritability and depression that often follow a new
baby.
Wilma, 31, and Harris, 35, have been married 11 years.
Wilma: The communication problem. Tell me your feelings. (Both
laughing)
Harris: A lot of times I don't know. I've always been quiet.
W: Is it just because you have nothing to talk about, or is it
because you don't want to talk about it?
H: A lot of times I don't know.
W: Okay. Example: when we went to Lake Bariessa. I mean, I can
understand that you couldn't find your way around and everything, that
was fine. But it still doesn't hurt to open your lips, you know?
H: I was kind of burned out that day...
W: Well, you suggested we go...
H: I was trying to take you out somewhere, then I was trying to
figure out my money in the bank and I end up coming short...
W: You did all that driving up there...
H: Yeah. And I was trying to figure out my bank account and how I
was going to, you know, have the gas money for the week.
W: But, like, when we got there, you didn't want to talk. We got
off the truck, we got set up and you ate your sandwich. Your little
bologna sandwich. (Both laughing)
H: Yeah. I was starving. (Laughing)
W: I didn't know you were. And then it was like, you still didn't
want to talk, so Dominique and me started playing tennis.
H: It was almost time to go then and I had to drive back. I didn't
want to check it out.
W: Yeah. I thought it was such a nice drive.
H: I didn't know it was going to be that far.
W: And I really appreciate that.
H: Thank you very much.
W: You're welcome. I don't mind you talking about bills all the
time, but we can only pay what we can pay, so why worry?
H: 'Cause that's how I am.
W: You shouldn't do that.
H: Well, I can't help it. I'm always trying to be
preventive.
W: Okay, "Preventive." (Laughter)
H: I can't help it. I have learned from my mistakes. Have you ever
heard of people worried about bills?
W: I've heard of those people. I'm one of those people.
H: And I'm one of those people, whether you know it or not.
W: The thing is, I just pay what I can. You can't give everybody
money at the same time when you don't have it to give.
H: The only thing I can do is have life insurance for me and you. I
paid the kids'. Now I can't pay ours.
W: So you haven't paid the insurance in a month and a half?
H: I paid the kids', but I haven't been able to pay ours.
W: You see, you don't say anything, so I've been thinking that
everything is okay.
H: Yeah, I gathered that. (Laughter)
W: (Laughter) Honestly. We need to figure out how we can pay that
before it's due. I mean, the same thing with the phone bill.
H: But you haven't been trying to keep that down. Yappity yappity
yap!
W: Well, we'll try to figure it out. We'll both of us try to take
something out.
H: Right. That's what I'd like.
Tags:
28 years,
breakup,
communication,
conflict,
contempt,
groundbreaking research,
happy couples,
marriage,
married couples,
negative behaviors,
physiology,
quarrels,
relationships,
spats,
three minutes
