GOTTMAN SAYS: This couple rates quite low in marital satisfaction.
They are also emotionally disengaged, with high depression in addition to
marital distress. The marriage has generally low conflict, but also low
positivity (shared romance, humor, affection)--the best marker of
emotional disengagement. Our findings suggest that, in general,
emotionally disengaged couples divorce later in life than those who have
a "hotter," more explosive pattern of unhappiness, although this couple
did not break up.
This couple is also in a state of gridlocked conflict. Susan and
Bob keep coming close to resolving their issue, which is that Bob would
rather keep to himself than communicate. But they don't--they keep
recycling it over and over again. Emotional disengagement is often a
later stage of continued gridlock. After a while, a "hot" couple begins
polarizing their positions, digging in and becoming more stubborn,
vilifying one another, then trying to isolate the problem. Unfortunately,
most gridlocked conflict cannot be permanently enclaved, and negotiations
to fix a problem reach a stalemate.
The reason gridlocked conflicts don't get resolved is because there
is an underlying life dream within each person that isn't being
fulfilled. Susan's dream is expressed when she says, "You never ask me
what's wrong." Bob responds that "maybe I just enjoy the quietness"--that
he prefers emotional distance to fighting--but she sadly replies that he
doesn't know her at all. They are lacking in what we call "love maps,"
which spouses construct by being interested in each other and tracking
each other's stresses, hopes, dreams, concerns, etc. Her latent wish for
love maps keeps them from agreeing to the weekly meeting plan.
This couple is still married, but unhappily so.
Valerie, 24, and Mark, 25, have a young baby. They have recently
moved, and both have new jobs.
Valerie: (Laughter) We don't go that long without talking.
Mark: I know, I just start going stir-crazy.
Valerie: The problem...
M: Huh?
V: ...is, you told me that when you took the job as manager at
Commonwealth that you'd come home in the afternoons and spend some time
with us.
M: That's right, but I did not say that it would start in the first
week when I'm trying to do two different jobs. I gotta get myself
replaced. Right now, I'm not just a manager.
V: It's been three weeks.
M: Well, I just don't go out on the street and say "Hey you. Want
to sell insurance?" It's not that easy. There's two people in the
program. One of them is probably gonna be hired within the next couple
weeks. But in the meantime it's tough. It's just the way it's gotta
be.
V: I realize that.
M: Okay.
V: But.
M: At midnight when you get off work and you're all keyed up, I'm
all worn out. I haven't been stimulated for two hours.
V: I realize that. That doesn't bother me that much, you going to
sleep at night.
M: I'll just be starting to go to sleep and you'll go "Are you
listening to me?" I'll be trying to stay awake...
V: I'm laughing about it usually. I'm not upset about it.
M: I don't know by then. I'm half out.
V: But now with me having a car, you'll be able to go to sleep
early and get up with Stephanie a little bit. That's one of my big
problems. I'm not getting any sleep. I don't get to sleep until
two.
M: I've been getting up with her.
V: You've been real good about that.
M: Okay.
V: I guess I just wish that you didn't have to go in early.
M: Yeah, we don't get a whole lot of time together.
V: When I have the car, I can get out and get stuff then. I feel
like I'm stuck at home and here you are...
M: I'll be able to meet you for lunch and stuff. I guess that
wasn't any big problem.
V: It is a problem. It seems like we talk about it every
day.
M: Yeah, we do.
V: That's about the only thing we really complain about.
M: Yeah. The last couple nights I tried to take you out to the lake
and look at the stars and stuff, so...
V: I know.
M: We just need to get used to our schedules.
V: That first week I was so, I was real upset cause it seemed like
all I did was stay home with Stephanie all morning till three and just
work all evening. I wasn't doing anything. It didn't seem like we had
family gatherings every weekend. We never had time to go out, just the
two of us.
M: I got a little surprise for ya next weekend.
V: Yeah, it's always next weekend. It's never this weekend.
M: Eight weekends in a row.
V: I just went from not working at all and being home. We've both
been through major job changes and all.
M: And I can't breathe.
V: But we're getting used to it and I feel so much better about
going to work at three (o'clock), three-thirty now than I did that first
week.
M: Um.
V: I just wish I had more time to do what I wanted to do. I, it's
just being...
M: I'll, I'll be able to stay...
V: ...a wife and mother.
M: ...to stay at home during the days a little bit more or I'll
have to go in early but then I can take a couple of hours off in the
afternoons.
V: Do you have to go in early every day?
M: I'm going to go in early every day.
V: Why?
M: 'Cause there are things I need to do every morning.
V: I think you just like going in to your office.
Tags:
28 years,
breakup,
communication,
conflict,
contempt,
groundbreaking research,
happy couples,
marriage,
married couples,
negative behaviors,
physiology,
quarrels,
relationships,
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