Words can heal an ailing relationship--or seal its negative
fate.
The way a couple argues can tell you a lot about the future of
their relationship. In fact, just three minutes of fighting can indicate
whether the pair will flourish with time or end in ruin.
The 10-year study that led to this discovery was one of many we've
conducted over the years. John Gottman began his groundbreaking research
on married couples 28 years ago. Since then, his University of Washington
laboratory--dubbed the "Love Lab"--has focused on determining exactly
what makes marriages thrive or fail. With the help of a remarkable team
and hundreds of couples, we can now predict a relationship's outcome with
88 percent to 94 percent accuracy.
To do this, we watch couples during spats and analyze partners'
communication patterns and physiology, as well as their oral descriptions
of their relationship histories. We then follow the pairs over time to
see whether their patterns and descriptions lead to happy outcomes or
breakups. We have learned that some negative emotions used in arguments
are more toxic than others: Criticism, contempt, defensiveness and
stonewalling (withdrawing from a discussion, most frequently seen among
men) are all particularly corrosive. On the other hand, we have
repeatedly found that happy couples use five times more positive
behaviors in their arguments than negative behaviors. One way they do
this is by using humor to break the tension in an argument. This is a
kind of a "repair" effort to mend conflict. We find that happy couples
also use expressions of affection for their partner and acknowledge their
partner's point of view ("I'm sorry I hurt your feelings") in order to
keep quarrels from getting too heated.
We have learned much from our couples over the last 11 years that
we try to bring to our own marriages. Two things: One is the importance
of building and maintaining a friendship in your marriage so that you
give your partner the benefit of the doubt when times are tough. This
takes constant work. The second thing is that you have a choice every
time you say something to your partner. You can say something that will
either nurture the relationship or tear it down. You may win a particular
fight with your spouse, but you could lose the marriage in the long
run.
In this article, we show just how we diagnose the health of a
marriage. Using three examples of dialogue from real couples discussing
their problems, we will illustrate how reading between the lines of
people's arguments can predict where some marriages have gone wrong-and
why others have stayed strong. Welcome to the "Love Lab!"
Susan, 45, and Bob, 47, have been married for 23 years.
Bob: Um, communication. The question is...
Susan: How we disagree.
B: On communication?
S: You don't see a need for it.
B: Oh yeah.
S: You just said you kept to yourself.
B: Well, yeah, I just...I dunno. Idle chitchat, I guess.
S: You what?
B: Idle chitchat, I guess, if that is what you refer to as
communication.
S: What do you mean, chitchat?
B: General run-of-the-mill bull.
S: There's nonverbal communication if you're tuned in.
B: (Nods head)
S: Like that man said in that canoeing class, as they went over the
rapids, that they were still communicating.
B: That's true. What do you think we need to talk about more then?
Huh?
S: Well, I think when there's a problem, or I'm trying to tell you
something, sometimes I shouldn't have to say anything. You can know when
I'm in a hurry or tired.
B: I just take communication as being, uh, should we sit down and
discuss things more fully.
S: We don't sit down and discuss anything unless it's a problem, or
if somebody gets mad. You know lots of families have what they call,
which is kinda silly, but a weekly meeting or some time when they just
sit down and talk about everything that has been going on there all week,
what they like and don't like.
B: We used to have those at home.
S: That's a little far-fetched, maybe, but I'm just saying.
B: I know. I just...
S: It makes sense.
B: ...you know what major problem we have at work is
communication.
S: It's a problem everywhere.
B: Yeah. Yeah.
S: People don't say what they mean.
B: Or assume that people know what they mean or want.
S: Well, how many times have I asked you what's wrong, and you say
nothing. And then a month later you say what was wrong and I couldn't
have guessed it in a million years.
B: I don't know why that is. Why, you know, you can ask almost
anybody at work what's bothering them.
S: But you never ask me what's wrong.
B: Maybe I know.
S: No, I don't think you do.
B: Maybe I just enjoy the quietness of it. I don't know.
S: Well, seriously, I think that as long as we've been married that
you don't know very much about me at all.
B: No, I think it's true; about both of us maybe.
Tags:
28 years,
breakup,
communication,
conflict,
contempt,
groundbreaking research,
happy couples,
marriage,
married couples,
negative behaviors,
physiology,
quarrels,
relationships,
spats,
three minutes
