Dear Dr. E,
In a recent column you said that to change a behavior you should modify your environment. If you want to slim down, for example, hang up pictures of slim people. But why are some people motivated by pictures of slim people, while others are motivated by pictures of obese people?
Jeff
Burlingame, California
Dear Jeff,
The whole point of self-management is that it's personal. The first step is to learn general principles, like "modify your environment," and then set up a program that works for you. We each have unique genes and life experiences that make us interpret the world around us differently. The reason most self-help programs fail is that they are not sufficiently tailored to the individual.
Lack of Trust?
Dear Dr. E,
I've been with my boyfriend for over a year now, but we started having problems three or four months ago. He began canceling dates, giving excuses like "my parents are taking the car." He told me he avoids me because I don't trust him—which, of course, I don't. I'm willing to do anything to keep us together, but I'm becoming more and more impatient. What should I do?
Veronica
via e-mail
Dear Veronica,
You're having one of life's most painful experiences—love that's not fully reciprocated. You're also learning one of life's most important lessons: There's only so much control you can exert over another person—and it's usually not very much! Listen carefully to the various messages your boyfriend is giving you, and then ask yourself: Is he right for me?
A Second Opinion
Dear Dr. E,
My 17-year-old daughter has been diagnosed with obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD). She has intense crying spells, hears voices and is scared to sleep alone at night. I'm worried that her condition may be more serious, and I am looking for another professional opinion on this.
B.
Kernersville, North Carolina
Dear B.,
Don't worry about labels. Professionals often argue about the value and validity of labels like OCD, and no label can capture the subtleties and complexities of your daughter's condition. Focus instead on treatment and outcome: Are the treatments working? If she's on medication, what are the side effects? Is she making progress? If you're dissatisfied with either the treatment or the outcome, seek alternatives. To stay abreast of treatment alternatives, check websites such as apa.org and behavior.org, or call the American Psychological Association at (800) 964-2000.
Does God Exist?
Dear Dr. E,
I don't believe in God, and my girlfriend's family is very upset about this. I remember hearing about "Pascal's Wager," which suggests that you can make yourself believe in God even if you really don't. Is that so?
Frank L.
Minnesota
Dear Frank,
According to Blaise Pascal, a 17th-century scientist and philosopher, "If you believe, and God exists, you gain everything. If you disbelieve, and God exists, you lose everything." In other words, if it came down to a bet, the safer one would be that God exists. Although this idea is intriguing, it doesn't make belief easy, and it certainly doesn't simplify the complexities of a relationship. How important is it to you and your girlfriend that her parents approve of you? That's the fundamental issue here, and only you and she can decide that.
Should I Let Him See His Kids?
Dear Dr. E,
My ex-husband was an alcohol and drug abuser for over three years. He was also violent. After completing a 30-day inpatient rehabilitation program, he is asking me to restart his visitations with our sons. I was wondering what the success rate is for these programs, and if it's possible that he is better?
Monica,
Santa Fe, New Mexico
Dear Monica,
A program's success rate means nothing for individuals. If you have safety concerns, address them directly: Keep visitations short, or even have them supervised. You may be worried about the harm that might come from bringing your sons into contact with their father, but you should balance that concern with the harm that could come from denying them such contact.
Tags:
advice,
alcoholism,
burlingame california,
diet,
e mail,
four months,
general principles,
lack of trust,
life experiences,
love,
Obsessive Compulsive Disorder,
ocd,
painful experiences,
personal motivation,
pictures of obese people,
second opinion,
self management,
spells,
veronica
